dave gulbis gives bad advice

DGGBA: earth are you

2011-10-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA is also proof that DGHTMTOHH. Figure that one out yr damn self.

dear dave,

I'm super broke right now. I know, I know. People say that ALL the time - and most of the time it's a cop out. I'm actually sick of people saying: "Oh, mee tooooo" when I tell them I'm broke. I'm like "Bro, you have no idea." But I digress.... The problem is that I work like 3 jobs and am constantly saying YES to more projects. And I'm exhausted! So my question is this: Should I tell my boss at the job that I make the most money (but like the LEAST) that I am available to work more? Or keep the status quo as part time at the soul-sucking job and do the other things I like, even though they are barely paying me and I'm working constantly?? HELP ME!

Sincerely,
WorkingAwayMyMortality
in Oakland

********

dear WAMMIO (ha! WAMMIO!) -

what is money? i mean, we all know what money can get you (like love, for example) and how good it feels to have it, but what is money REALLY? Does it make the world go around? Is it the root of all evil? Does it, as the saying goes, actually talk (I hope so - I may have to mention my change jar in my next therapy session)? what i'm trying to get at here is people believe a lot of things about money, but does anyone REALLY know what it is?

(i'm gonna take a brief intermission here, i'm pretty sure i just WAMMIO'ed yr fragile little mind right now)

during that brief intermission, someone probably just made more money than i will ever see, and someone else probably just lost a whole bunch of some foreign currency that i didn't even know existed. but look at me! i'm still here (sort of...i haven't updated in forevs), giving bad advice to readers ALL OVER THE WORLD and not making a thin red dime in the process (hello to my 4 pakistani readers! why on earth are you reading this blog, is pakistan really that boring???). money only matters if you let it, and as this world continues to WAMMIO its way to oblivion, why let finances fuck up yr fun? so my advice to you, WAMMIO, would be...WAMMIO it! Do what you want, fuck a paycheck, and if shit gets ugly, go get WAMMIO on some rich dude's ass (and then WAMMIO another while yr at it)! As Winston Churchill once said, "life is too short to give a shit, let's go bomb Dresden and then get some tacos." Thanks for your letter!

heart - dave

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa?

2010-11-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

whoa crazy it's been like almost 2 years since i last updated this but apparently that means the time is NOW to capitalize on my popularity. nyuk nyuk. DGGBA Vol. 2 is now available, and if any of you brats has a problem that i haven't solved yet (NOT FUCKIN' LIKELY) send it this-a-way so i can blow yr fuckin' mind. or forget to answer it. one of the two.

heart - dave

DGGBA: rash might go

2008-12-31T11:08:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. Today's an exciting entry of DGGBA - since it's insanely slow at work (anyone want to buy some records?), this is the first entry I've actually been paid to write! (just don't tell anyone...)

dear dave -

lately i've been concerned that i don't shower enough, but since i've stopped taking public transit and bowling (both activities who's regular participators definitely shower quite often i've noted) the only people i see are my dirty coworkers anyway. do you think i should start showering more again? or do you think i'm in the safe zone?

thx
andy

******************

Hi Andy,

You know Andy, whether you meant to or not (and I like to think that you did), you've asked this question at a particularly convenient time. Good for you! In the past, I would have advised you to stray from the shower. Water is the world's most precious commodity (next to of course gin), and why be so selfish to saturate yourself with it when people around the world are dying thirsty? What, so that you won't smell so bad? So that you won't have dirt on your body? So that rash MIGHT go away? Dirt don't hurt girl, and thirst is the worst!

But, being the trend-setter that I am, everyone's urging everyone to go green lately...which presumably includes not showering and actually going a little gang green (see what i did there? PRETTY CLEVER!). I like to stay ahead of the game, so my advice to you Andy would be to not only shower excessively, but to also chug bottled water while doing so. Together, we can make a difference (but we should still shower separately). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for letting me think about you taking a shower.

heart - dave

DGGBA: anything semi

2008-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGBTM stands for dave gulbis blogs too much, but when you spend as much time alone as i do you get really good at talking to yourself.

Dear Mister Gulbis,

I would like you to start a DGTBA blog.
Wouldn't it be amusing if you both gave and took bad advice?
This could be your first letter.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

***************************

Hi A Concerned Citizen,

Don't fucking tell me what to do. I'm dave fucking gulbis and i'll be dispensing the advice around here, understood?

That said, that actually is a good idea. Starting henceforth, I will now be dispensing bad advice as well as receiving bad advice. Since I already have four blogs (i just started a new blog for things I hate about my roommate, Woody the stuffed bear: thingsihateaboutwoody.blogspot.com), I'll be giving my updates here. If you have anything semi-legal that you think i should try, send me an e-mail and i'll let you know how it went.

oh, and also ACC, just to keep up my rep as a bad adviser, i think that you should probably get a tattoo of oscar the grouch eating cheetos on your left butt-cheek. if seeing that every morning doesn't ease your unspecific concerns, nothing will! Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: watering hole man

2008-11-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. according to his mother, dave gulbis also cuts a mean rug ("he's got rhythm").

dear dave,
i need some advice.

how do i meet cool chicks?

love and handjobs,
mister smooch

*******************************

dear mister smooch,

boy, you are not making my job easy. sometimes meeting people (or chicks) is hard, no matter who you are...though on the plus side, since it's winter, it might be a little easier to find some COOL chicks!! get it? because it's colder out than it normally is! it's sort of a pun, let me know if it went over your head.

but let's get serious for a minute. most people (or chicks) are attracted to those who share their interests, who like to do the same things that they enjoy. so what you need to do is find out what cool chicks enjoy, and then pretend to like the same bullshit they're into. but what do cool chicks like anyways? well, to research the topic, i grabbed my nearest issue of Vice (it's the coolest!), and came up with this list:

- inappropriately sexual advertisements for socks
- pictures of people puking
- making fun of black people
- drugs and fake breasts (but to be fair, i think most people are on this bandwagon)
- neon. wait, neon? really? neon? FUCK!
- dudes who give bad advice (really, it's in there)
- do-ing and don't-ing

there you have it MS, i'd advise you to put on your sexiest socks, head to your local watering hole (man that's a weird term, sounds like an STD), do a bunch of drugs, and puke neon on some black lady's fake breasts. I'm sure you'll meet some cool chicks in no time! Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: breast tranny

2008-11-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. No, Google image search! I did not mean "DGGB"! What the hell is DGGB anyways???

dave gulbis,
What should I do with my pussy hairs? One guy I dated told me to never cut the hairs. Another had me wax it all off. Another liked it trim.
signed,
shave that shit?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpE43NwFcds (video might be NSFW, unless you work in a warehouse, Foot Locker, or fishing boat. basically anywhere where you can talk about eating pussy without pissing your boss off)

**************

dear shave that shit,

wow, it's not often that i'm out-crassed (or, as in elizabethan, outcrass'd). in fact, just the other day, when i was having unprotected anal sex with the guy who does the voice for grover on sesame street, i was thinking out loud, "wow, nobody's really given me a chance lately to show off how vulgar i can be. if only someone would send me a letter asking for advice on their genital maintenance, then i could really strut my stuff!" (of course, it was hard to say all of this through the ball gag, but when you've got a mouth as big as mine, you can manage)

it's an age-old question STS...shaved or unshaved? waxed or wavy? fur pie or Nair smoothie? but so often the question focuses on the puss-er and not the puss-y. How can i make him happy? (or her i guess) How can I get him off? (again, or her. or them for that matter)

but you know what? it's your pussy STS, and let's face it, you're the one who wakes up with it every morning, wipes the crust out of its eyes, and gets it warmed up and ready to start a new day. so instead of asking me what you should do with your pussy hairs, you should be asking the same question to your pussy. i think you'll be surprised at how opinionated your pussy may be on the topic. so listen up, and cherish your time alone with the most special part of your body (unless you're like me and a bit more of a breast man. or breast woman. or breast tranny, what-fucking-ever). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for talking with me about your pussy.

heart - dave

ahhhhhhhhhh

2008-10-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

send me a question someone because i'm at work and sooooooo boredddddddd

heart - dave

DGGBA: half cherry half cola

2008-10-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. when the hell is dave gulbis going to start getting stuff? it's give give give with you people....

Dear Dave,

so i have this sister best friend who i love more than anything in the world. we live in different towns but she comes to visit often which is awesome except that when we are together we have the tendency to eat with reckless abandon. we become goldfish who have no concept of fullness and will eat anything put in front of them. after the weekend my sister leaves to go home but the extra pounds stay. I love my sister and love her visits but i also love not worrying about clogged arteries and touching my toes. what is a sister best friend to do?

love and tender kisses,
sierra

***********************

dear sierra,

wow, i didn't actually know that about goldfish, that's crazy. isn't it the same way with dogs? like, dogs will never stop eating if there's food available. I heard about this one thing, in humans, where because of some chromosome defect, certain humans have no control over their impulses - they'll see a hot dog and without even thinking about the fact that they're completely full they'll say to themselves, "wow, hot dog, imma eat it" and eat it and then throw up later because they ate 17 hot dogs before the hot dog vendor cut them off (this is totally true, there's actually a number of armed robbery cases where the defense will plead insanity because their client has this disorder and they'll be walking down the block, see a 7-11, and think "wow 7-11, imma rob it" without even considering it beforehand and they get arrested because they stopped in the middle of the robbery because they saw the slushee machine and thought "wow slushee, imma get half cherry half cola," and because they couldn't stop drinking the slushee they got a mean brainfreeze which, wow, i don't know if you've ever had a real mean brainfreeze but it is no fun at all.)

anyhoo, goldfish look pretty fit to me, so i think you and your sister should head over to the pool after filling yourself up on grub (wait 30 minutes! you don't want to get a cramp!) and swim around in circles until you forget why you were swimming in the first place (goldfish also have no memory - SEE HOW SMART I AM????). might help to get a gold jump suit and maybe a plastic castle too...couldn't hurt, right? thanks for your letter!

holy shit i just noticed that my acronym for dave gulbis is famous is DGIS, what the fuck was i thinking? maybe dave gulbis is swedish?

heart - dave

DGIS: go i go

2008-10-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

DGIS stands for Dave Gulbis Is Famous. Dave Gulbis is famous is a new segment (segment?) on DGGBA wherein i tell you loyal readers just how famous i really am. clearly, it will be short-lived.

i've been getting a lot of letters (A LOT!) asking me if i have any relation to the swedish electronic music producer lindstrom. the answer is no, but also yes, because they asked me to be on the cover of his latest album "where you go i go too." see below me (ha ha, "below me"):

i don't really care for the album itself, but it's good to know sweden loves me as much as i love france (j'adore sweden!). dggba will resume soon, i'm anticipating a very productive weekend since i have 8 dollars in my wallet and negative 12 thousand or so in my bank account. hurray!

heart - dave

fuck this i'm tired

2008-09-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

i was going to update DGGBA tonight, but i'm pretty exhausted (ha ha, if you have google reader you probably clicked this thinking that i was quitting DGGBA. well guess what motherfuckers - QUITTING'S NOT MY GAME) so i'll just leave it at this:

DGGBA Vol. 1 is now available at Needles and Pens (which i literally JUST noticed that it isn't called Needles and Pins) and Dog Eared Books (well, will be tomorrow after my lunch break) - and of course, through me here. That third choice might be your best bet if you're like me and don't often leave the house as i seriously doubt they'll be available for purchase on-line. But if you're in the neighborhood, drop on by and pick one up, i know i was concerned about how they were looking, but believe it or not, they look really really great and i have a hole-puncher (and a very helpful friend) to thank! i'm hoping to have more done by the weekend and more available in stores in the east bay (and BEYOND) by the end of the weekend.

definitely would like to trade these for zines, mix-tapes, etc, etc, but if you're unable or unwilling to trade, the paypal addy is ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. make sure and tell me what you're buying in the comments because otherwise you might get an unwelcome surprise in your mailbox. blah blah blah why am i still typing?

heart - dave

DGGBA: n the gf and i

2008-09-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank god i don't give good advice, because then there would be a glaring typo on the cover of DGGBA vol. 1 (now available - hint, hint).

so dave -

i have this coworker that i really really love. in fact, she's
more than just a coworker, because sometimes i go over to her house and
watch movies or eat her overly ripened produce (not a sexual innuendo,
btw). the only problem with our relationship is that after a year of
working with her i'm really starting to get tired of stories about her cat
or stories about her girlfriend. dave. the ONLY stories she has are about
her cat or about her girlfriend. sometimes, when she's feeling REALLY
chatty, she'll tell a story about her cat AND about her girlfriend! for
example:

me: what'd you do on your day off, t?
t: n (the gf) and i made funny faces at w (the feline) all day! and then
we took some polaroids of him! and then we all went on a walk together
where we ran into this other cat who wasn't near as cute as w. and then..
(and so on)
me: ..... (silence and blinking)

dave, i need some advice!
-hopeless individual

*******************************

dear hopeless individual -

You've probably heard of fighting fire with fire, but when it comes to dull conversations, i fight bore with bore - meaning, instead of avoiding your friend's clear attempts to bond with you, you should use the opportunity to disclose similarly boring facts about yourself.

For example, if "t" starts talking about that really cute time when her cat fell asleep on her lap and she had to sit up really slowly so the cat didn't wake up and then she picked up the cat and she started to wake up but then she fell back asleep and started purring and oh it was so cute, you should respond by telling her that you also have a story, and then tell her about the other night when you fell asleep on the couch and then you got up and went to bed (without brushing your teeth, ew). Or if she mentions the time when she and her girlfriend decided to clean out all the overripe produce from the refrigerator (wink, wink), you should mention the time you couldn't find anything good in your fridge, so you decided to eat out instead (again, wink wink). Starting to get the picture?

You see HI (hi!), conversations are a lot like peppers; some like them spicy, but some like them mild, and a good host wouldn't serve Habaneros to their more mild-mannered friends (that brilliant analogy is TRADEMARKED, don't even TOUCH it without a lawyer). Thanks for your letter HI (hi!), I hope my advice will help you and your boring friend have plenty of boring times together.

heart - dave

DGGBA: fuck the hats

2008-08-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. B-A-N-A-N-A-S doesn't technically stand for bananas, but it does describe how you should react after hearing the news I have for you.

Hey dggba,

I'm going to be out of town for a friend's birthday.
Is it best to ignore said birthday and pretend that nothing happened?
If I was in town I might buy them a beer, but that's hard to do long distance.

Thanks

September in Reno

******************

Hi September in Reno -

First things first, SIR? I don't get it, why does your name spell SIR? I know how the advice game works, I've been doing this professionally for hella long, and those clever names you pick out are supposed to spell things. SIR? Are you a dude? If so, you should have gone with Doesn't Understand Drinking Emissaries (i had to use a thesaurus for that one...that might not even make sense, it's a lot harder to do these when you're not drunk).

Anyways, not funny jokes aside, this question gives me a perfect opportunity to rail against one of my least favorite holidays: birthdays (you're next, arbor day...). SCREW BIRTHDAYS. Where is the fun in getting a bunch of people you don't know that well to scowl at you for making them wear stupid hats and eat cheap, gross cake with melted wax on it and saliva from when you tried to blow out those stupid fucking trick candles that probably put glycerin or something on the cake as well? Fuck the cake, fuck the hats, and fuck birthdays.

Not only do i think you should NOT buy your friend a long-distance beer on his birthday, but i think you should make it a habit to constantly be out of town on your friends' birthdays (in reno too! the slots are looser and the buffets come with extra melon!). thanks for your letter SIR.

OK! now that i have that crap out of the way, i have FUCKING AWESOME news and bad, but not really that important news. first, the MIND-BLOWING GREAT news: DGGBA VOL. 1 IS NOW AVAILABLE!!!!! i know, i know, i hate caps lock too but come on! DGGBA VOL. 1! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

now the bad news. i only have six. really. six. i got annoyed with making them and i only have six right now. but they are done and they look good and i promise you i am making more as we speak (well, after i'm done typing this and probably around the time you get to reading it). so if you'd like one, ACT NOW (sorry again for caps) and i'll do what i can to either get you one that is available or make sure you get one hot off the presses (the presses being my floor). comment below, e-mail me at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com, or, you know, call me up, bump into me at the supermarket, whatevs. the price is...

(note: that's not me)

...that means i really don't know what you should give me for one. financial donations are obviously appreciated but also obviously less appreciated than a zine of your own, a mixtape, etc, etc. or if you just ask nice, that's cool too (read: blowjob). thanks for reading everyone, keep the questions coming, and remember, FUCK BIRTHDAYS IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACE! take care.

heart - dave

DGGBA: hard or hangin'

2008-07-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, but based on someone's suggestion, i've been thinking about changing the name of the blog to "dave gulbis gives back to the teens (DGGBTTT)." If the name itself doesn't sell you, the fact that the acronym is only two letters away from "dogbutt" probably won't close the deal either.

Dear Dave,

What do you think of this (http://tinyurl.com/6r8942), and should I get it for my kids?

Best,
B

**************

Hi B -

For those of you who listened to their parents when they told you not to click links from strangers (HA! you see what i did there?), that site is selling these:

Here's an excerpt of the description (i edited it to make it sound like a description of a dildo):

"Deep front pocket and hood for extra protection against getting slammed...thick (not bulky) for enjoying roomy comfort...Great durability for playing hard or hangin' out...Stay warm while lookin' casual-cool in this kid version of an adult favorite."

Enough fun and games though - do I think you should get one for your kids? Well B (have we met?), I think that if you heart your dildo enough to buy a sweatshirt to make sure everyone knows that you have an unhealthy obsession with a vibrating piece of machinery that you jam up your vagina on a good day and wrestle into your butt on a bad day (and poke in your ear on a weird day), then chances are you probably don't have any kids of your own who will get to learn what dildos and masturbation are from either the principal who's suspending them or the pederast who also hearts dildos (in a much more unhealthy way). If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - DILDOS DON'T EJACULATE - so if you really want to have kids you can fuck up by giving them this sweatshirt, you might want to direct some money from your 9-volt battery budget towards sperm banks, gigolos, or to me, dave gulbis (same diff). Dildos can't get you pregnant, but give me some booze and a corn-dog and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

p.s. - zine update: i might work on them tonight if i get bored.

p.p.s. - geez, have these always been so vulgar? this is the first one i actually read.

DGGBA: eat no one

2008-07-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. It is also my ATM code and the password for my myspace.

Dear Dave,
A very annoying child is yelling and making faces at me through the upstairs window of the house next door to me. I think my tubes just tied themselves. Is that even possible?
Best,
val

*******************

dear val,
while considering your question, i looked across the alley outside my bedroom window and through the partially opened blinds of my neighbors. one of my neighbors is watching sportcenter (which has WAY more special effects than is necessary. it's like i'm watching tron but there's more awkward cameltoe from baseball pants) and the other one of my neighbors just got out of the shower. he's a lot hairier than i am (no easy task) and it kind of makes me feel like less of a man. so to make up for it i downloaded some porn and tried to rub one out, but all i could see was computer generated baseballs flying out of grizzly man breasts. Needless to say, I couldn't "finish the job" (i get paid to masturbate) and if what's out of my window can stop me from ejaculating, i have to assume that what's out of your window can stop you from getting pregnant. it's like that phrase "if i don't eat, no one eats," but a LOT less appetizing.

boy, this post should make everyone pretty stoked that i'm back. i only have 2 more questions so please please please send me an e-mail at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. zine update: nothing to report. i've printed out paper but i'm not really that stoked on how they came out so i haven't been that enthusiastic about putting them all together. plus, they are a pain in the ass to put together. here's some good advice for people interested in making zines - keep it simple stupid (KISS - all GOOD advice has GOOD acronyms).

heart - dave

UPDATE: I am still alive

2008-04-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

To everyone who's been asking: yes, it's true, i am still alive (and thus still qualified to give bad advice). And I'm touched at the internet campaign you all started to inquire about my safety, that was really sweet. it's good to know you all care, and that you all still need bad advice (even though i was pretty sure i solved the world's problems already). in case you wondered, here's what i've been doing:

L - I - V - I - N'

and

D - R - I - N - K - I - N'

and I've also been working on the DGGBA zine vol. 1, which will be sure to disappoint anyone who's actually been waiting excitedly for it since it was first mentioned (seriously, it's been like months. does anyone even remember DGGBA? I had to read the archives to remember what it stood for). i'm expecting to have the first copies done by the weekend, which is ironic because i'm not expecting to have my taxes done until may. is that irony? whatever, wouldn't be the first word i misused.

but to celebrate the release of my first greatest hits compilation (IT'S ALL FUCKING GOLD), i'm offering you (yes you) the readers of DGGBA to do the unthinkable: offer me (hopefully good) advice! please write in to ihateyourartschool AT gmail DOT com your own response to the following:

Does anyone know a good place to get cheap ink cartridges? Or isn't there some way to, like, refill them? I mean, I already made stencils and bought paper (NICE paper), there's no fucking way I'm buying a brand new ink cartridge just to finish this shit.

Send in your responses by Wednesday at 11:59 pacific time, and I'll repost the winner's response right here - in this very blog (though I might take credit for it if it's particularly clever...let's face it kid, i'm the name on the marquee)!

also, although i'm still technically on my break, since I'm such a hard worker, y'all can go ahead and send me any questions you might need advice on. I mean, i'm still not going to DO them yet but right now I got nothing.

EDIT: please note i'm also looking to start contributing to the Our Favorite Records blog as well with similarly hard-nosed dedication. does that even make sense?

heart - dave

DGGBA: "bitches" have feelings too

2008-01-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank you for helping make this blog [well, technically the myspace blog this started on] the number one result for a google search of DGGBA (if you did in fact have anything to do with that). apparently DGGBA also exists in other languages too. who knew?

Dear DGGBA,
I'm moving across the country and the advice my father gave me was to "burn bridges and fuck bitches." This sounds like either the best or worst advice a father has given his son. Opinion?
sweet love and stank kisses,
dan
P.S. Fuck you. Your place or mine?

***********

dear dan,
Opinion? You bet! I think your father needs to stop using the b-word (b-word being "bitches"). "Bitches" have feelings too, and I'm sure your dad would be offended if i started referring to him as a "shit-eating leg humper with a dick that looks like melted lipstick."
That said, i think he's right. fuck 'em all and let god sort it out.

heart - dave

p.s. - mine. obviously. you live across the country.

heart (again) - dave

DGGBA: these are hard

2008-01-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also makes shelves that may or may not be earthquake safe. inquire for rates.

Two more short ones for you. Ha! That's what she said!

SEXUAL HARASSMENT THURSDAY

Dear Dave,
Why am I such a crackhead-ho?
Sincerely,
Dave's mom
**************
Dear Dave's mom,
These are hard times we live in. I say do what makes you happy, and if being a crackhead-ho makes you happy, then pass the rock, little lady. Pass the rock.

***************

dearest dave,
did you know that Nerds Rope (the candy) rules? if not you better fucking find out.
<34eva (gross)
T
**********
Dear T,
Of course I knew - I know everything, no duh! And bee tea dubs, Dave Gulbis gives bad advice - he doesn't receive unsolicited candy recommendations. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES

2008-01-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA turns 20 (entries) today, which means that i, dave gulbis, have saved 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TODAY? HUH? EAT CEREAL? i hope you enjoyed that cereal while I WAS SAVING LIVES!

Dear Dave,
Sometimes I can't stop. What do I do?
Nebulous
*****************
Dear Nebulous,
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! it's really annoying!

heart - dave

DGGBA: that many i’s

2008-01-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. If DGGBA were a tree, it would be a tree that gave bad advice.

dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
******************
dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: what-the-fuck-ever

2008-01-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, not dave gulbis gives bedazzling advice. Like the manual says, THE BEDAZZLER IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ADVICE GIVING.

this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a

THREEFER CHRISTMAS

dear dave,

1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?

2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?

3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.

boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.

2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.

3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.

heart - dave

DGGBA: feels like a onefer

2007-12-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. As the below may prove, dave gulbis gives much worse advice when he takes a break from giving advice (DGGMWAWHTABFGA).

Technically this is a twofer friday although it barely feels like a onefer.

Dear Dave,
Now what?
Love,
Liz
************
Dear Liz,
Now buttons!
heart - dave

***********************

Additionally, dear Dave,
Why, when I was nosing around for sad music, did you never recommend Smog? it's perfect!
So long!
- Liz
*************
Dear Liz,
Smog is a problem in a number of cities and continues to harm human health.^[1] Ground-level ozone, sulfur dioxide, nitrogen dioxide and carbon monoxide are especially harmful for senior citizens, children, and people with heart and lung conditions such as emphysema, bronchitis, and asthma^[2]. It can inflame breathing passages, decreasing the lungs' working capacity, and causing shortness of breath, pain when inhaling deeply, wheezing, and coughing. It can cause eye and nose irritation and it dries out the protective membranes of the nose and throat and interferes with the body's ability to fight infection, increasing susceptibility to illness. Hospital admissions and respiratory deaths often increase during periods when ozone levels are high ^[3].
Plus you asked me for happy music and I think Irma Thomas is way happier than Smog.

heart - dave

DGGBA: sub-par

2007-12-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. if my parents had named me "awesome bad-ass" like i had asked, then the title of this column would be a palindrome. too bad my parents are dicks.

dear dave,
How do I make it stop?
love and kisses,
mikey

********************

dear mikey,
pronouns that don't reference nouns are tricky, but don't think you've put one over on me! below is a list of possible things "it" might refer to, and possible answers to your possible question.

it = "the voice inside my head"
A: find a louder voice outside of your head, even if it means sitting alone in your room and shouting.

it = "this bus full of nuns and orphans"
A: swerve the wheel back and forth frantically. if that doesn't make it stop, adjust your rear and side mirrors. still no? call superman.

it = "the itching and burning"
A: Either tough-actin' Tinactin (I got paid $50 to type that) or Valtrek (Valtrek is not a cure for herpes, merely a treatment for its symptoms)

it = "the unbearable lightness of being"
A: if you're referring to the movie, there should be a button on the remote with a square on it. push that one or just unplug the tv. the book? throw it out the window. the actual lightness of being? gain weight (wakka wakka).

it = "the laughter"
A: read this sub-par column. man, not my best work. maybe you did put one over on me.

heart - dave

DGGBA: dear wishes

2007-12-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also has weird people hanging out on his stoop. who wants to advise me on THAT one?

dear dave,
All I want to do is snort adderol and pick peeling paint. Like, that's my idea of a decent day. Will I ever love again?
Best,
Wishes

***************

dear wishes,
if alcoholic pop-stars and really obnoxious cartoon cats have taught me anything, it's that opposites attract, so i recommend dating a straight-edge painter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: sex, with whoever

2007-12-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA is also the sound people make after finding out the milk's gone bad.

hey dave,
how do i become sexy like you? please tell me. i need to be sexy for someone.
hearts and kisses,
lolita
**************
dear lolita,
thanks for the hearts and kisses, but i'm afraid i must start off this letter by immediately correcting you. you don't need to be sexy for SOMEONE, you need to be sexy for everyone. there's enough uglies strolling around today you'd think they changed the name of the country to the united states of ameri-bleh! (note: my bad puns are in fact for sale, please inquire for a rate chart). think of your self as a sexy environmentalist, fighting the ugly polluters to save the future of the sexy planet. or, better yet, think of yourself as a sexy librarian. yeah...books...
but how do i BECOME sexy, you may be asking yourself? ...or i guess actually you actually did ask that. sorry, i got distracted by the united states of ameri-bleh bit (so funny!). well, there's a phrase that's popular amongst the kids (and, believe it or not, therapists) today: "fake it til you make it." sexy is an attitude, and it really doesn't matter if you're ugly as sin's morning BM, because if you feel it (and i do mean FEEL it), no one else will argue. here's some practical tips to help change your attitude:

1. constant reminders will help make sure you don't fall off the sexy trail. leave little notes for yourself around your apartment that say things like "man, you're sexy" or "whoa, sexy thing, coming through!" or do as i do, and wear some of those booty shorts or halter tops that say hot stuff (or both).

2. nothing is sexier than having sex - it's the reason sexy starts with "sex." so have a lot of sex, with whoever.

3. some people think a positive attitude is sexy, or a can-do spirit, or a degree in social work or microbiology. these people are wrong - but the point is, people think all sort of weird, stupid shit is sexy. so don't worry about your gross pimples, open sores, or missing fingers - like dolly parton said, "if you can't hide it, flaunt it!"

hope my advice helped lolita. enjoy your new sexy life, and if we ever meet, please remember helpful tip number 2. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: things that aren’t weird

2007-12-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, though i am considering changing the name of my column to an unpronounceable symbol. news to come.

Dear David,
There's this boy I really like, but we were making out the other day and he stopped kissing me and said "do you want to feel something weird?" I sort of changed the subject, but now I feel a little freaked out. What do you think he meant? Do you think I should I feel it?
Thanks,
Mystified in the Mission

***********************

Dear Mystified in the Mission,
This is sort of a tricky question, but the answer could help you sort out some issues in your relationship. I say feel it, and if it is weird, then it can be something you and he can get weirded out by together. If it isn't weird, then, to quote my fellow advice columnier Dan Savage, DTMFA. You sound like a busy young free-wheeling gal, and you've got no time in your busy, young, free-wheeling Mission life to be touching things that aren't weird. Thanks for your letter - let me know how it turns out!

heart - dave

DGGBA: minor panic and/or vomiting

2007-12-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also gives good hugs, in case you're interested.

Dear Dave,
...why did i lock myself out of my house and be forced to wear the same underpants as i did yesterday? ....and how do i prevent this in the future?
with an undying love that echoes through time,
tangerine
**************
Dear Tangerine,
i don't mean to go off on a tangent, but your letter brings up an interesting point - one that i've been meaning to address for some time. if you don't sign your name on your letters, I get to sign your name for you...and say whatever i want. so while you may or may not have signed your question to me with a promise of never-ending affection, guess what? now it's in print, and legally binding (read the patriot act).
now then, your question. i'm really not sure why you locked yourself out of your house, but judging from your willingness to disclose the fact that you're wearing the same underwear two days in a row (at least), it seems to me that you may be subconsciously afraid of clean underwear and are "accidentally" locking yourself out of your house to avoid confronting the skeltons that lie in your underwear drawer. YOU ARE NOT ALONE - i too have struggled with subropaphobia (i just made that up but it's pretty fun to say out loud - try it with an italian accent). but unless you want unsightly discolorations on your buttocks and genitals (true story), you're going to have to confront your fear and start wearing clean underwear. it can be helpful to do things you like while putting on clean underwear to help form a new, more pleasant association. for example, eat an ice cream bar while getting dressed in the morning. or, if you're watching your weight, put an adorable kitten in your underwear before you put them on - who doesn't love kittens? it will take time, but with some hard work and electro-shock therapy, you'll be able to again slip on some clean drawers with only minor panic and/or vomiting. thanks for your letter, and good luck.

heart - dave

DGGBA: flex your genius bone

2007-12-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA might also stand for dave gulbis gets way drunk at the revolver christmas party and can't see straight, but to be honest, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to verify that one.

dear DGGBA,
i am way drunk and need to write my advice column. what should i do?
love fuckin' dear abby or something.
*******************
dear fuckin' dear abby or something,
being too drunk to give advice is like being too drunk to pee your pants while trying to make out with your best friend's cousin. suck it up and flex your genius bone - people depend on you EVERY DAY to solve their made-up problems and if you can't handle that, then i don't recommend getting any pets, plants, and/or children any time soon because advice giving is as easy as it gets. thanks for your letter, and good luck at work tomorrow.

heart - dave

DGGBA: paranoid weirdness

2007-12-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. Since I am dave gulbis, I probably should have called it i give bad advice, but i think DGGBA has a certain ring to it.

I'm not going to be home on Friday, so guess what?

TWOFER THURSDAY

Dear DGGBA,
how do I get one of my questions on your advise blog?
with love
wondering wizard
****************
Dear wondering wizard,
There you have it.
heart - dave

**********************

Dearest DGGBA (aka DDGGBA aka dungeons and dragons gamers get blowjobs always)
Why is life such a ginormous paradox?
and
Why can't i grow much chest hair yet my happy trail grew back within weeks of it being shaved off for surgery?
and one follow up...
why my appendix?
yeah
-c.r.a.p.
(connor's ruptured appendix penguins!!!!)
****************
Dear c.r.a.p.,
I get approached by a lot of homeless people for some reason, and they always love chatting with me about their paranoid weirdness. One guy asked me if I thought Jesus touched children like priests do, while another guy asked me how to get the surveillance wires out of his balls (NOT JOKING). I'm going to tell you what I always tell them:
um. i don't know dude, life's weird. Do you want a cigarette?
heart - dave

I guess maybe technically this'll be a THREEFER THURSDAY since Mark asked me this:

Ahahahaha, will this be a weekly advice column? It should be.

I don't know what Ahahahaha means but hopefully it's some kind of foreign compliment (in daveland it now means "hot damn you sexy dinger! good advice!"). I'm either going to do this every weeknight that i'm home and bored (so, every weeknight) or as the questions inevitably slow, every time i get a question. So, keep those questions coming, sorry if it's taking me awhile to answer them but believe it or not there are actually kind of a lot. Thanks again.

heart (again) - dave

DGGBA: tie and soak it

2007-12-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it also stands for "dave gulbis giggling? boy-oh-boy, adorable!"

Dear Dave,
What should I get my dad for Christmas?
Kisses,
Mikey
******************
Dear Mikey,
They say it's the thought that counts, but let's face it - come Christmas time, it's the "bought" that counts! (I CAME UP WITH THAT MYSELF!) Meaning, money counts, and your dad will be counting on you to bring him some Christmas cheer. So whatever bacon you bring home, it better be damned expensive, and teeming with gold-streaked fat. Clearly the mall is a good place to start - I'd recommend heading to Macy's, but before you go, check out this website for a free $500 dollar gift card [there used to be a link to a funny picture here, but for whatever reason it stopped working, so just imagine a funny picture]. When you get there, don't be intimidated by the high-pressure salespeople - you're there to spend money, and none of those fuckers can do ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'm not entirely sure what Macy's sells, but see if that giant inflatable Snoopy is around, that's likely a high ticket item. If all else fails, get creative - even old standards can be combined for a more expensive and thus more heartfelt present. Buy a pricey tie and soak it with over-priced cologne. Get a flat-screen TV and throw a monogrammed Taylormade driver through it. But whatever you do, make sure it's totally useless and cost way too damn much.
If times are tight this year and you can't afford to splurge on the ones you love, then it doesn't really matter what you get him for Christmas since he'll probably disappointed in you anyways. Fuckin' get him ketchup packets, I don't care, and neither will he. Thanks for your letter and happy holidays!

heart - dave

DGGBA: more so now then ever before

2007-12-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. GDGMFGBA stands for give dave gulbis money for giving bad advice. DHYB = don't hold your breath. S = sigh.

Dearest Dave,
I frequently find my sunday afternoons spent alone with no music, friends or liquor. All the other days are so easy to fill, but where can I get my kind of happiness on a day commandeered by the lord?
Cordially Yours,
Kate "snap infraction" Dunphy
Ps. Who would win in a fight - Hall or Oates?
****************
Dear Kate "dance gauntlet" Dunphy,
I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED!
[topical reference to a show that is already over]
Of course, Sadie's Second Sunday is only really available one sunday out of the month, so here are some other suggestions for the other sundays in the month:

- Giving blood is important, more so now then ever before. Find out where your nearest donation center is at giveblood.com.
- MARSHMELLOW FIGHT!
- Your local homeless shelter is likely understaffed and under-funded. Volunteering is a great way to feel better about yourself and help make a difference in your community.
- TWINKIE FIGHT!!!!!!!!
- Our nation's elderly need our help as well. Inquire with your local, um, old person place and see if you can read to them. An hour can make someone's day.
- NAKED PILLOW FIGHT!!!!! WITH TWINKIES!!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

Thanks for your letter, Kate, hope my advice helped fill your schedule with possibility.

heart - dave

p.s. - In the fight of mustache vs. no mustache, i tend to vote mustache. i'm not sure which of Hall & Oates has a mustache, but my money's on them, in the fourth round.

heart (again) - dave

DGGBA: un deux trois

2007-12-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. According to this site, DGGBA is also the chord progression for the chorus to "Lucky in Love" by the Rolling Stones.

Dear Dave,
I've always wanted to write an advice column. Do you have any suggestions on how to get started?
Twitches,
Fanny
************
Hi Fanny,
Becoming an advice columnist is really as easy as ABC, 123, or un deux trois (but only if you're really fluent in French and counting to three comes really really easy to you).

un) Get the twitches under control. Sorry to be blunt but no one wants advice from a twitcher.

deux) make friends with a lot of needy people. or, if you're not one for making friends, BE a really needy person, and get one of those name dictionaries that people buy if they're having trouble naming their kids. (by the way, you might need one of those name dictionaries anyways in case someone asks for advice on naming their kids.)

trois) after establishing yourself as a voice of reason (see deux parts i-xii, not posted), find a struggling newspaper or magazine. "advise" the owner on how to improve business, and then after s/he follows your advice, buy as many copies of his/her paper as possible. They'll credit your great advice for the spike in sales, and be so grateful that they'll give you a column ON THE SPOT!

Hope this helps Fanny. Maybe someday you'll advise me on what to do after I've solved all the world's problems with my own column.

heart - dave

DGGBA: "answers"

2007-11-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGTBA stands for dave gulbis takes bad advice, but is more commonly referred to as "last weekend."

Since these are both so short I'm doing two. Twofer Friday! Whoo!

Dear Dave,
I feel put upon by socialization. How does one go about becoming hermit?
Thanks
T
*************
Dear T,
Become an advice columnist.
heart - dave

**********************************

Dear Dave,
why is my rabbit eating cat nip and loving it? i need answers damnit.
T [a different T then above]
*************
Dear a different T then above,
Why be so quick to judge? Maybe you should follow after your open-minded, non-conformist rabbit and try some cat nip yourself. I imagine you'll get plenty of "answers," but I'd make sure and clear your weekend before hand. You don't want to show up at work high on the nip, or you might wind up with a regrettable nickname (like, oh, i don't know, "dave the guy who came into work high and spent 2 and a half hours trying to lick his own balls." just as an example) and have to change jobs and move to the city.

heart - dave

DGGBA: egg, fig, dig, dog

2007-11-29T19:27:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA also proves that it's not always better to give than receive, you lucky bastards, you!

Dear Dave or something,
Should I punch the mall Santa? He's very loud.
Sincerely,
Valerie A. Lines

***************

Dear Valerie A. Lines,
Did you know that your initials spell your name? V.A.L.? Wow, holy crap. That's really cool. Did you parents plan that? That would be really funny. My last name is Gulbis, I wonder if you could do that with my name. What names end with G? Hmm. Doug? Oh wait, that's 4 letters. I guess I could be Dug. Like Dug Ulysses Gulbis. But who wants to be named Dug, sounds like a caveman name, Dug and Ug and Gob. Wait, Gob! Oh, oops, that starts with G. Leg, peg, hag, egg, fig, dig, dog, fog, gag, cig, wag, rag, tag, oog, pog, sag, dag, fag, jag, keg, leg, mag, bog, hog...
If mall santa is being anywhere as annoying as the above paragraph, you should definitely punch him. Thanks for the letter!

heart - dave

DGGBA: fucking by a lake

2007-11-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis gives out a lot of things, but in this particular blog, he'll only be giving out bad advice.

dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused

***********

dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.

heart - dave

DGGBA: either going or not going

2007-11-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it might also be a constellation, i'm not sure.

dear dave,
how do i be a success?
sincerly hillary

**************

dear hillary,
to be a success you have to first decide in which way you'd like to be successful. i recommend starting small, like "i want to be good at tying my shoes" or "i want to be a successful advice columnist." next, you have to do research in the field. your local library probably has a variety of books on how to research. of course, before you head to the library, you should probably set a goal for yourself that involves being successful with the dewey decimal system. that might be a goal you'll just have to throw yourself into though, as, having never been to a library myself, i really can't help you on that one.
um, thirdly, after you accomplish your goals of being successful with the dewey decimal system and researching on ways to properly research, you should probably head to the park for some well deserved R and R (those stand for rest and relaxation, respectively). successful people are happy people, so you should make sure that you are happy too - unless of course you are looking to be successful at being unhappy, in which case, skip the park.
ok then, after either going or not going to the park, you are ready for action! it's time to get yourself out there, and show the world what you can do! when they see you out there, success is sure to follow, somehow! glad i could help, and don't forget us little people when you're out there being successful!

heart - dave

DGGBA: kick the ball, and hard

2007-11-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it can also stand for dave gulbis gives bad acronyms.

dear dave,
will you be my life coach?
-connor "amateur life coach" morrison

**************

dear connor -
life is not a game, but kickball is a game, and one that i enjoy playing. so while i can't be your life coach, i can be your kickball coach, and here's your first lesson:

- never underestimate the importance of a good stretch before a game. i recommend taking care to exercise the groin region of your body because in addition to all of the strenuous kicking and running involved in the sport kickball, there are also occassions (albeit rare) where you actually will be kicked in the balls. a loose and limber groin can help avoid serious injury.
- while there are many differing opinions on this matter, and i'm sure i'll receive plenty of letters from various kickball "experts" correcting me, i subscribe to the school of "kick the ball hard" - meaning, don't kick the ball softly, or miss the ball altogether. kick the ball, and hard.
- like most games, kickball is best enjoyed while under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. (note: if life were actually a game, i would give this same tip as well)

thanks for your letter, connor, and happy kicking.

heart - dave

DGGBA: the viking choice

2007-11-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

DGGBA stands for Dave Gulbis Gives Bad Advice, or if you read the personals like I do, Double Girl Gang Bang Action. Hopefully my advice column will be as stimulating as some good old fashioned DGGBA.

Dear Davy,
I'm working on my will. Viking funeral or mummification in a peat bog?
Love, Roseanna.

****************

Dear Roseanna,
I don't know what a peat bog is, but according to Wikipedia, it's something that requires a lot of words to explain. Vikings have no time for words, only action. Make the smart choice, make the viking choice.

heart - dave