DGGBA: earth are you

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA is also proof that DGHTMTOHH. Figure that one out yr damn self.

dear dave,

I'm super broke right now. I know, I know. People say that ALL the time - and most of the time it's a cop out. I'm actually sick of people saying: "Oh, mee tooooo" when I tell them I'm broke. I'm like "Bro, you have no idea." But I digress.... The problem is that I work like 3 jobs and am constantly saying YES to more projects. And I'm exhausted! So my question is this: Should I tell my boss at the job that I make the most money (but like the LEAST) that I am available to work more? Or keep the status quo as part time at the soul-sucking job and do the other things I like, even though they are barely paying me and I'm working constantly?? HELP ME!

Sincerely,
WorkingAwayMyMortality
in Oakland

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dear WAMMIO (ha! WAMMIO!) -

what is money? i mean, we all know what money can get you (like love, for example) and how good it feels to have it, but what is money REALLY? Does it make the world go around? Is it the root of all evil? Does it, as the saying goes, actually talk (I hope so - I may have to mention my change jar in my next therapy session)? what i'm trying to get at here is people believe a lot of things about money, but does anyone REALLY know what it is?

(i'm gonna take a brief intermission here, i'm pretty sure i just WAMMIO'ed yr fragile little mind right now)

during that brief intermission, someone probably just made more money than i will ever see, and someone else probably just lost a whole bunch of some foreign currency that i didn't even know existed. but look at me! i'm still here (sort of...i haven't updated in forevs), giving bad advice to readers ALL OVER THE WORLD and not making a thin red dime in the process (hello to my 4 pakistani readers! why on earth are you reading this blog, is pakistan really that boring???). money only matters if you let it, and as this world continues to WAMMIO its way to oblivion, why let finances fuck up yr fun? so my advice to you, WAMMIO, would be...WAMMIO it! Do what you want, fuck a paycheck, and if shit gets ugly, go get WAMMIO on some rich dude's ass (and then WAMMIO another while yr at it)! As Winston Churchill once said, "life is too short to give a shit, let's go bomb Dresden and then get some tacos." Thanks for your letter!

heart - dave

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa?

whoa crazy it's been like almost 2 years since i last updated this but apparently that means the time is NOW to capitalize on my popularity. nyuk nyuk. DGGBA Vol. 2 is now available, and if any of you brats has a problem that i haven't solved yet (NOT FUCKIN' LIKELY) send it this-a-way so i can blow yr fuckin' mind. or forget to answer it. one of the two.

heart - dave

DGGBA: rash might go

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. Today's an exciting entry of DGGBA - since it's insanely slow at work (anyone want to buy some records?), this is the first entry I've actually been paid to write! (just don't tell anyone...)

dear dave -

lately i've been concerned that i don't shower enough, but since i've stopped taking public transit and bowling (both activities who's regular participators definitely shower quite often i've noted) the only people i see are my dirty coworkers anyway. do you think i should start showering more again? or do you think i'm in the safe zone?

thx
andy

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Hi Andy,

You know Andy, whether you meant to or not (and I like to think that you did), you've asked this question at a particularly convenient time. Good for you! In the past, I would have advised you to stray from the shower. Water is the world's most precious commodity (next to of course gin), and why be so selfish to saturate yourself with it when people around the world are dying thirsty? What, so that you won't smell so bad? So that you won't have dirt on your body? So that rash MIGHT go away? Dirt don't hurt girl, and thirst is the worst!

But, being the trend-setter that I am, everyone's urging everyone to go green lately...which presumably includes not showering and actually going a little gang green (see what i did there? PRETTY CLEVER!). I like to stay ahead of the game, so my advice to you Andy would be to not only shower excessively, but to also chug bottled water while doing so. Together, we can make a difference (but we should still shower separately). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for letting me think about you taking a shower.

heart - dave

DGGBA: anything semi

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGBTM stands for dave gulbis blogs too much, but when you spend as much time alone as i do you get really good at talking to yourself.

Dear Mister Gulbis,

I would like you to start a DGTBA blog.
Wouldn't it be amusing if you both gave and took bad advice?
This could be your first letter.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

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Hi A Concerned Citizen,

Don't fucking tell me what to do. I'm dave fucking gulbis and i'll be dispensing the advice around here, understood?

That said, that actually is a good idea. Starting henceforth, I will now be dispensing bad advice as well as receiving bad advice. Since I already have four blogs (i just started a new blog for things I hate about my roommate, Woody the stuffed bear: thingsihateaboutwoody.blogspot.com), I'll be giving my updates here. If you have anything semi-legal that you think i should try, send me an e-mail and i'll let you know how it went.

oh, and also ACC, just to keep up my rep as a bad adviser, i think that you should probably get a tattoo of oscar the grouch eating cheetos on your left butt-cheek. if seeing that every morning doesn't ease your unspecific concerns, nothing will! Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: watering hole man

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. according to his mother, dave gulbis also cuts a mean rug ("he's got rhythm").

dear dave,
i need some advice.

how do i meet cool chicks?

love and handjobs,
mister smooch

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dear mister smooch,

boy, you are not making my job easy. sometimes meeting people (or chicks) is hard, no matter who you are...though on the plus side, since it's winter, it might be a little easier to find some COOL chicks!! get it? because it's colder out than it normally is! it's sort of a pun, let me know if it went over your head.

but let's get serious for a minute. most people (or chicks) are attracted to those who share their interests, who like to do the same things that they enjoy. so what you need to do is find out what cool chicks enjoy, and then pretend to like the same bullshit they're into. but what do cool chicks like anyways? well, to research the topic, i grabbed my nearest issue of Vice (it's the coolest!), and came up with this list:

- inappropriately sexual advertisements for socks
- pictures of people puking
- making fun of black people
- drugs and fake breasts (but to be fair, i think most people are on this bandwagon)
- neon. wait, neon? really? neon? FUCK!
- dudes who give bad advice (really, it's in there)
- do-ing and don't-ing

there you have it MS, i'd advise you to put on your sexiest socks, head to your local watering hole (man that's a weird term, sounds like an STD), do a bunch of drugs, and puke neon on some black lady's fake breasts. I'm sure you'll meet some cool chicks in no time! Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

DGGBA: breast tranny

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. No, Google image search! I did not mean "DGGB"! What the hell is DGGB anyways???

dave gulbis,
What should I do with my pussy hairs? One guy I dated told me to never cut the hairs. Another had me wax it all off. Another liked it trim.
signed,
shave that shit?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpE43NwFcds (video might be NSFW, unless you work in a warehouse, Foot Locker, or fishing boat. basically anywhere where you can talk about eating pussy without pissing your boss off)

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dear shave that shit,

wow, it's not often that i'm out-crassed (or, as in elizabethan, outcrass'd). in fact, just the other day, when i was having unprotected anal sex with the guy who does the voice for grover on sesame street, i was thinking out loud, "wow, nobody's really given me a chance lately to show off how vulgar i can be. if only someone would send me a letter asking for advice on their genital maintenance, then i could really strut my stuff!" (of course, it was hard to say all of this through the ball gag, but when you've got a mouth as big as mine, you can manage)

it's an age-old question STS...shaved or unshaved? waxed or wavy? fur pie or Nair smoothie? but so often the question focuses on the puss-er and not the puss-y. How can i make him happy? (or her i guess) How can I get him off? (again, or her. or them for that matter)

but you know what? it's your pussy STS, and let's face it, you're the one who wakes up with it every morning, wipes the crust out of its eyes, and gets it warmed up and ready to start a new day. so instead of asking me what you should do with your pussy hairs, you should be asking the same question to your pussy. i think you'll be surprised at how opinionated your pussy may be on the topic. so listen up, and cherish your time alone with the most special part of your body (unless you're like me and a bit more of a breast man. or breast woman. or breast tranny, what-fucking-ever). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for talking with me about your pussy.

heart - dave

ahhhhhhhhhh

send me a question someone because i'm at work and sooooooo boredddddddd

heart - dave