DGGBA: half cherry half cola

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. when the hell is dave gulbis going to start getting stuff? it's give give give with you people....

Dear Dave,

so i have this sister best friend who i love more than anything in the world. we live in different towns but she comes to visit often which is awesome except that when we are together we have the tendency to eat with reckless abandon. we become goldfish who have no concept of fullness and will eat anything put in front of them. after the weekend my sister leaves to go home but the extra pounds stay. I love my sister and love her visits but i also love not worrying about clogged arteries and touching my toes. what is a sister best friend to do?

love and tender kisses,
sierra

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dear sierra,

wow, i didn't actually know that about goldfish, that's crazy. isn't it the same way with dogs? like, dogs will never stop eating if there's food available. I heard about this one thing, in humans, where because of some chromosome defect, certain humans have no control over their impulses - they'll see a hot dog and without even thinking about the fact that they're completely full they'll say to themselves, "wow, hot dog, imma eat it" and eat it and then throw up later because they ate 17 hot dogs before the hot dog vendor cut them off (this is totally true, there's actually a number of armed robbery cases where the defense will plead insanity because their client has this disorder and they'll be walking down the block, see a 7-11, and think "wow 7-11, imma rob it" without even considering it beforehand and they get arrested because they stopped in the middle of the robbery because they saw the slushee machine and thought "wow slushee, imma get half cherry half cola," and because they couldn't stop drinking the slushee they got a mean brainfreeze which, wow, i don't know if you've ever had a real mean brainfreeze but it is no fun at all.)

anyhoo, goldfish look pretty fit to me, so i think you and your sister should head over to the pool after filling yourself up on grub (wait 30 minutes! you don't want to get a cramp!) and swim around in circles until you forget why you were swimming in the first place (goldfish also have no memory - SEE HOW SMART I AM????). might help to get a gold jump suit and maybe a plastic castle too...couldn't hurt, right? thanks for your letter!

holy shit i just noticed that my acronym for dave gulbis is famous is DGIS, what the fuck was i thinking? maybe dave gulbis is swedish?

heart - dave

DGIS: go i go

DGIS stands for Dave Gulbis Is Famous. Dave Gulbis is famous is a new segment (segment?) on DGGBA wherein i tell you loyal readers just how famous i really am. clearly, it will be short-lived.

i've been getting a lot of letters (A LOT!) asking me if i have any relation to the swedish electronic music producer lindstrom. the answer is no, but also yes, because they asked me to be on the cover of his latest album "where you go i go too." see below me (ha ha, "below me"):



i don't really care for the album itself, but it's good to know sweden loves me as much as i love france (j'adore sweden!). dggba will resume soon, i'm anticipating a very productive weekend since i have 8 dollars in my wallet and negative 12 thousand or so in my bank account. hurray!

heart - dave

fuck this i'm tired

i was going to update DGGBA tonight, but i'm pretty exhausted (ha ha, if you have google reader you probably clicked this thinking that i was quitting DGGBA. well guess what motherfuckers - QUITTING'S NOT MY GAME) so i'll just leave it at this:

DGGBA Vol. 1 is now available at Needles and Pens (which i literally JUST noticed that it isn't called Needles and Pins) and Dog Eared Books (well, will be tomorrow after my lunch break) - and of course, through me here. That third choice might be your best bet if you're like me and don't often leave the house as i seriously doubt they'll be available for purchase on-line. But if you're in the neighborhood, drop on by and pick one up, i know i was concerned about how they were looking, but believe it or not, they look really really great and i have a hole-puncher (and a very helpful friend) to thank! i'm hoping to have more done by the weekend and more available in stores in the east bay (and BEYOND) by the end of the weekend.

definitely would like to trade these for zines, mix-tapes, etc, etc, but if you're unable or unwilling to trade, the paypal addy is ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. make sure and tell me what you're buying in the comments because otherwise you might get an unwelcome surprise in your mailbox. blah blah blah why am i still typing?

heart - dave

DGGBA: n the gf and i

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank god i don't give good advice, because then there would be a glaring typo on the cover of DGGBA vol. 1 (now available - hint, hint).

so dave -

i have this coworker that i really really love. in fact, she's
more than just a coworker, because sometimes i go over to her house and
watch movies or eat her overly ripened produce (not a sexual innuendo,
btw). the only problem with our relationship is that after a year of
working with her i'm really starting to get tired of stories about her cat
or stories about her girlfriend. dave. the ONLY stories she has are about
her cat or about her girlfriend. sometimes, when she's feeling REALLY
chatty, she'll tell a story about her cat AND about her girlfriend! for
example:

me: what'd you do on your day off, t?
t: n (the gf) and i made funny faces at w (the feline) all day! and then
we took some polaroids of him! and then we all went on a walk together
where we ran into this other cat who wasn't near as cute as w. and then..
(and so on)
me: ..... (silence and blinking)

dave, i need some advice!
-hopeless individual

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dear hopeless individual -

You've probably heard of fighting fire with fire, but when it comes to dull conversations, i fight bore with bore - meaning, instead of avoiding your friend's clear attempts to bond with you, you should use the opportunity to disclose similarly boring facts about yourself.

For example, if "t" starts talking about that really cute time when her cat fell asleep on her lap and she had to sit up really slowly so the cat didn't wake up and then she picked up the cat and she started to wake up but then she fell back asleep and started purring and oh it was so cute, you should respond by telling her that you also have a story, and then tell her about the other night when you fell asleep on the couch and then you got up and went to bed (without brushing your teeth, ew). Or if she mentions the time when she and her girlfriend decided to clean out all the overripe produce from the refrigerator (wink, wink), you should mention the time you couldn't find anything good in your fridge, so you decided to eat out instead (again, wink wink). Starting to get the picture?

You see HI (hi!), conversations are a lot like peppers; some like them spicy, but some like them mild, and a good host wouldn't serve Habaneros to their more mild-mannered friends (that brilliant analogy is TRADEMARKED, don't even TOUCH it without a lawyer). Thanks for your letter HI (hi!), I hope my advice will help you and your boring friend have plenty of boring times together.

heart - dave

DGGBA: fuck the hats

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. B-A-N-A-N-A-S doesn't technically stand for bananas, but it does describe how you should react after hearing the news I have for you.

Hey dggba,

I'm going to be out of town for a friend's birthday.
Is it best to ignore said birthday and pretend that nothing happened?
If I was in town I might buy them a beer, but that's hard to do long distance.

Thanks

September in Reno

******************

Hi September in Reno -

First things first, SIR? I don't get it, why does your name spell SIR? I know how the advice game works, I've been doing this professionally for hella long, and those clever names you pick out are supposed to spell things. SIR? Are you a dude? If so, you should have gone with Doesn't Understand Drinking Emissaries (i had to use a thesaurus for that one...that might not even make sense, it's a lot harder to do these when you're not drunk).

Anyways, not funny jokes aside, this question gives me a perfect opportunity to rail against one of my least favorite holidays: birthdays (you're next, arbor day...). SCREW BIRTHDAYS. Where is the fun in getting a bunch of people you don't know that well to scowl at you for making them wear stupid hats and eat cheap, gross cake with melted wax on it and saliva from when you tried to blow out those stupid fucking trick candles that probably put glycerin or something on the cake as well? Fuck the cake, fuck the hats, and fuck birthdays.

Not only do i think you should NOT buy your friend a long-distance beer on his birthday, but i think you should make it a habit to constantly be out of town on your friends' birthdays (in reno too! the slots are looser and the buffets come with extra melon!). thanks for your letter SIR.

OK! now that i have that crap out of the way, i have FUCKING AWESOME news and bad, but not really that important news. first, the MIND-BLOWING GREAT news: DGGBA VOL. 1 IS NOW AVAILABLE!!!!! i know, i know, i hate caps lock too but come on! DGGBA VOL. 1! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

now the bad news. i only have six. really. six. i got annoyed with making them and i only have six right now. but they are done and they look good and i promise you i am making more as we speak (well, after i'm done typing this and probably around the time you get to reading it). so if you'd like one, ACT NOW (sorry again for caps) and i'll do what i can to either get you one that is available or make sure you get one hot off the presses (the presses being my floor). comment below, e-mail me at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com, or, you know, call me up, bump into me at the supermarket, whatevs. the price is...


(note: that's not me)

...that means i really don't know what you should give me for one. financial donations are obviously appreciated but also obviously less appreciated than a zine of your own, a mixtape, etc, etc. or if you just ask nice, that's cool too (read: blowjob). thanks for reading everyone, keep the questions coming, and remember, FUCK BIRTHDAYS IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACE! take care.

heart - dave

DGGBA: hard or hangin'

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, but based on someone's suggestion, i've been thinking about changing the name of the blog to "dave gulbis gives back to the teens (DGGBTTT)." If the name itself doesn't sell you, the fact that the acronym is only two letters away from "dogbutt" probably won't close the deal either.

Dear Dave,

What do you think of this (http://tinyurl.com/6r8942), and should I get it for my kids?

Best,
B

**************

Hi B -

For those of you who listened to their parents when they told you not to click links from strangers (HA! you see what i did there?), that site is selling these:



Here's an excerpt of the description (i edited it to make it sound like a description of a dildo):

"Deep front pocket and hood for extra protection against getting slammed...thick (not bulky) for enjoying roomy comfort...Great durability for playing hard or hangin' out...Stay warm while lookin' casual-cool in this kid version of an adult favorite."

Enough fun and games though - do I think you should get one for your kids? Well B (have we met?), I think that if you heart your dildo enough to buy a sweatshirt to make sure everyone knows that you have an unhealthy obsession with a vibrating piece of machinery that you jam up your vagina on a good day and wrestle into your butt on a bad day (and poke in your ear on a weird day), then chances are you probably don't have any kids of your own who will get to learn what dildos and masturbation are from either the principal who's suspending them or the pederast who also hearts dildos (in a much more unhealthy way). If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - DILDOS DON'T EJACULATE - so if you really want to have kids you can fuck up by giving them this sweatshirt, you might want to direct some money from your 9-volt battery budget towards sperm banks, gigolos, or to me, dave gulbis (same diff). Dildos can't get you pregnant, but give me some booze and a corn-dog and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

p.s. - zine update: i might work on them tonight if i get bored.

p.p.s. - geez, have these always been so vulgar? this is the first one i actually read.

DGGBA: eat no one

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. It is also my ATM code and the password for my myspace.

Dear Dave,
A very annoying child is yelling and making faces at me through the upstairs window of the house next door to me. I think my tubes just tied themselves. Is that even possible?
Best,
val

*******************

dear val,
while considering your question, i looked across the alley outside my bedroom window and through the partially opened blinds of my neighbors. one of my neighbors is watching sportcenter (which has WAY more special effects than is necessary. it's like i'm watching tron but there's more awkward cameltoe from baseball pants) and the other one of my neighbors just got out of the shower. he's a lot hairier than i am (no easy task) and it kind of makes me feel like less of a man. so to make up for it i downloaded some porn and tried to rub one out, but all i could see was computer generated baseballs flying out of grizzly man breasts. Needless to say, I couldn't "finish the job" (i get paid to masturbate) and if what's out of my window can stop me from ejaculating, i have to assume that what's out of your window can stop you from getting pregnant. it's like that phrase "if i don't eat, no one eats," but a LOT less appetizing.

boy, this post should make everyone pretty stoked that i'm back. i only have 2 more questions so please please please send me an e-mail at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. zine update: nothing to report. i've printed out paper but i'm not really that stoked on how they came out so i haven't been that enthusiastic about putting them all together. plus, they are a pain in the ass to put together. here's some good advice for people interested in making zines - keep it simple stupid (KISS - all GOOD advice has GOOD acronyms).

heart - dave