DGGBA: hard or hangin'

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, but based on someone's suggestion, i've been thinking about changing the name of the blog to "dave gulbis gives back to the teens (DGGBTTT)." If the name itself doesn't sell you, the fact that the acronym is only two letters away from "dogbutt" probably won't close the deal either.

Dear Dave,

What do you think of this (http://tinyurl.com/6r8942), and should I get it for my kids?

Best,
B

**************

Hi B -

For those of you who listened to their parents when they told you not to click links from strangers (HA! you see what i did there?), that site is selling these:



Here's an excerpt of the description (i edited it to make it sound like a description of a dildo):

"Deep front pocket and hood for extra protection against getting slammed...thick (not bulky) for enjoying roomy comfort...Great durability for playing hard or hangin' out...Stay warm while lookin' casual-cool in this kid version of an adult favorite."

Enough fun and games though - do I think you should get one for your kids? Well B (have we met?), I think that if you heart your dildo enough to buy a sweatshirt to make sure everyone knows that you have an unhealthy obsession with a vibrating piece of machinery that you jam up your vagina on a good day and wrestle into your butt on a bad day (and poke in your ear on a weird day), then chances are you probably don't have any kids of your own who will get to learn what dildos and masturbation are from either the principal who's suspending them or the pederast who also hearts dildos (in a much more unhealthy way). If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - DILDOS DON'T EJACULATE - so if you really want to have kids you can fuck up by giving them this sweatshirt, you might want to direct some money from your 9-volt battery budget towards sperm banks, gigolos, or to me, dave gulbis (same diff). Dildos can't get you pregnant, but give me some booze and a corn-dog and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave

p.s. - zine update: i might work on them tonight if i get bored.

p.p.s. - geez, have these always been so vulgar? this is the first one i actually read.

DGGBA: eat no one

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. It is also my ATM code and the password for my myspace.

Dear Dave,
A very annoying child is yelling and making faces at me through the upstairs window of the house next door to me. I think my tubes just tied themselves. Is that even possible?
Best,
val

*******************

dear val,
while considering your question, i looked across the alley outside my bedroom window and through the partially opened blinds of my neighbors. one of my neighbors is watching sportcenter (which has WAY more special effects than is necessary. it's like i'm watching tron but there's more awkward cameltoe from baseball pants) and the other one of my neighbors just got out of the shower. he's a lot hairier than i am (no easy task) and it kind of makes me feel like less of a man. so to make up for it i downloaded some porn and tried to rub one out, but all i could see was computer generated baseballs flying out of grizzly man breasts. Needless to say, I couldn't "finish the job" (i get paid to masturbate) and if what's out of my window can stop me from ejaculating, i have to assume that what's out of your window can stop you from getting pregnant. it's like that phrase "if i don't eat, no one eats," but a LOT less appetizing.

boy, this post should make everyone pretty stoked that i'm back. i only have 2 more questions so please please please send me an e-mail at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. zine update: nothing to report. i've printed out paper but i'm not really that stoked on how they came out so i haven't been that enthusiastic about putting them all together. plus, they are a pain in the ass to put together. here's some good advice for people interested in making zines - keep it simple stupid (KISS - all GOOD advice has GOOD acronyms).

heart - dave