DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. Today's an exciting entry of DGGBA - since it's insanely slow at work (anyone want to buy some records?), this is the first entry I've actually been paid to write! (just don't tell anyone...)
dear dave -
lately i've been concerned that i don't shower enough, but since i've stopped taking public transit and bowling (both activities who's regular participators definitely shower quite often i've noted) the only people i see are my dirty coworkers anyway. do you think i should start showering more again? or do you think i'm in the safe zone?
thx
andy
******************
Hi Andy,
You know Andy, whether you meant to or not (and I like to think that you did), you've asked this question at a particularly convenient time. Good for you! In the past, I would have advised you to stray from the shower. Water is the world's most precious commodity (next to of course gin), and why be so selfish to saturate yourself with it when people around the world are dying thirsty? What, so that you won't smell so bad? So that you won't have dirt on your body? So that rash MIGHT go away? Dirt don't hurt girl, and thirst is the worst!
But, being the trend-setter that I am, everyone's urging everyone to go green lately...which presumably includes not showering and actually going a little gang green (see what i did there? PRETTY CLEVER!). I like to stay ahead of the game, so my advice to you Andy would be to not only shower excessively, but to also chug bottled water while doing so. Together, we can make a difference (but we should still shower separately). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for letting me think about you taking a shower.
heart - dave
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
DGGBA: anything semi
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGBTM stands for dave gulbis blogs too much, but when you spend as much time alone as i do you get really good at talking to yourself.
Dear Mister Gulbis,
I would like you to start a DGTBA blog.
Wouldn't it be amusing if you both gave and took bad advice?
This could be your first letter.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
***************************
Hi A Concerned Citizen,
Don't fucking tell me what to do. I'm dave fucking gulbis and i'll be dispensing the advice around here, understood?
That said, that actually is a good idea. Starting henceforth, I will now be dispensing bad advice as well as receiving bad advice. Since I already have four blogs (i just started a new blog for things I hate about my roommate, Woody the stuffed bear: thingsihateaboutwoody.blogspot.com), I'll be giving my updates here. If you have anything semi-legal that you think i should try, send me an e-mail and i'll let you know how it went.
oh, and also ACC, just to keep up my rep as a bad adviser, i think that you should probably get a tattoo of oscar the grouch eating cheetos on your left butt-cheek. if seeing that every morning doesn't ease your unspecific concerns, nothing will! Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Dear Mister Gulbis,
I would like you to start a DGTBA blog.
Wouldn't it be amusing if you both gave and took bad advice?
This could be your first letter.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
***************************
Hi A Concerned Citizen,
Don't fucking tell me what to do. I'm dave fucking gulbis and i'll be dispensing the advice around here, understood?
That said, that actually is a good idea. Starting henceforth, I will now be dispensing bad advice as well as receiving bad advice. Since I already have four blogs (i just started a new blog for things I hate about my roommate, Woody the stuffed bear: thingsihateaboutwoody.blogspot.com), I'll be giving my updates here. If you have anything semi-legal that you think i should try, send me an e-mail and i'll let you know how it went.
oh, and also ACC, just to keep up my rep as a bad adviser, i think that you should probably get a tattoo of oscar the grouch eating cheetos on your left butt-cheek. if seeing that every morning doesn't ease your unspecific concerns, nothing will! Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Monday, November 24, 2008
DGGBA: watering hole man
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. according to his mother, dave gulbis also cuts a mean rug ("he's got rhythm").
dear dave,
i need some advice.
how do i meet cool chicks?
love and handjobs,
mister smooch
*******************************
dear mister smooch,
boy, you are not making my job easy. sometimes meeting people (or chicks) is hard, no matter who you are...though on the plus side, since it's winter, it might be a little easier to find some COOL chicks!! get it? because it's colder out than it normally is! it's sort of a pun, let me know if it went over your head.
but let's get serious for a minute. most people (or chicks) are attracted to those who share their interests, who like to do the same things that they enjoy. so what you need to do is find out what cool chicks enjoy, and then pretend to like the same bullshit they're into. but what do cool chicks like anyways? well, to research the topic, i grabbed my nearest issue of Vice (it's the coolest!), and came up with this list:
- inappropriately sexual advertisements for socks
- pictures of people puking
- making fun of black people
- drugs and fake breasts (but to be fair, i think most people are on this bandwagon)
- neon. wait, neon? really? neon? FUCK!
- dudes who give bad advice (really, it's in there)
- do-ing and don't-ing
there you have it MS, i'd advise you to put on your sexiest socks, head to your local watering hole (man that's a weird term, sounds like an STD), do a bunch of drugs, and puke neon on some black lady's fake breasts. I'm sure you'll meet some cool chicks in no time! Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
dear dave,
i need some advice.
how do i meet cool chicks?
love and handjobs,
mister smooch
*******************************
dear mister smooch,
boy, you are not making my job easy. sometimes meeting people (or chicks) is hard, no matter who you are...though on the plus side, since it's winter, it might be a little easier to find some COOL chicks!! get it? because it's colder out than it normally is! it's sort of a pun, let me know if it went over your head.
but let's get serious for a minute. most people (or chicks) are attracted to those who share their interests, who like to do the same things that they enjoy. so what you need to do is find out what cool chicks enjoy, and then pretend to like the same bullshit they're into. but what do cool chicks like anyways? well, to research the topic, i grabbed my nearest issue of Vice (it's the coolest!), and came up with this list:
- inappropriately sexual advertisements for socks
- pictures of people puking
- making fun of black people
- drugs and fake breasts (but to be fair, i think most people are on this bandwagon)
- neon. wait, neon? really? neon? FUCK!
- dudes who give bad advice (really, it's in there)
- do-ing and don't-ing
there you have it MS, i'd advise you to put on your sexiest socks, head to your local watering hole (man that's a weird term, sounds like an STD), do a bunch of drugs, and puke neon on some black lady's fake breasts. I'm sure you'll meet some cool chicks in no time! Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
DGGBA: breast tranny
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. No, Google image search! I did not mean "DGGB"! What the hell is DGGB anyways???
dave gulbis,
What should I do with my pussy hairs? One guy I dated told me to never cut the hairs. Another had me wax it all off. Another liked it trim.
signed,
shave that shit?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpE43NwFcds (video might be NSFW, unless you work in a warehouse, Foot Locker, or fishing boat. basically anywhere where you can talk about eating pussy without pissing your boss off)
**************
dear shave that shit,
wow, it's not often that i'm out-crassed (or, as in elizabethan, outcrass'd). in fact, just the other day, when i was having unprotected anal sex with the guy who does the voice for grover on sesame street, i was thinking out loud, "wow, nobody's really given me a chance lately to show off how vulgar i can be. if only someone would send me a letter asking for advice on their genital maintenance, then i could really strut my stuff!" (of course, it was hard to say all of this through the ball gag, but when you've got a mouth as big as mine, you can manage)
it's an age-old question STS...shaved or unshaved? waxed or wavy? fur pie or Nair smoothie? but so often the question focuses on the puss-er and not the puss-y. How can i make him happy? (or her i guess) How can I get him off? (again, or her. or them for that matter)
but you know what? it's your pussy STS, and let's face it, you're the one who wakes up with it every morning, wipes the crust out of its eyes, and gets it warmed up and ready to start a new day. so instead of asking me what you should do with your pussy hairs, you should be asking the same question to your pussy. i think you'll be surprised at how opinionated your pussy may be on the topic. so listen up, and cherish your time alone with the most special part of your body (unless you're like me and a bit more of a breast man. or breast woman. or breast tranny, what-fucking-ever). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for talking with me about your pussy.
heart - dave
dave gulbis,
What should I do with my pussy hairs? One guy I dated told me to never cut the hairs. Another had me wax it all off. Another liked it trim.
signed,
shave that shit?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpE43NwFcds (video might be NSFW, unless you work in a warehouse, Foot Locker, or fishing boat. basically anywhere where you can talk about eating pussy without pissing your boss off)
**************
dear shave that shit,
wow, it's not often that i'm out-crassed (or, as in elizabethan, outcrass'd). in fact, just the other day, when i was having unprotected anal sex with the guy who does the voice for grover on sesame street, i was thinking out loud, "wow, nobody's really given me a chance lately to show off how vulgar i can be. if only someone would send me a letter asking for advice on their genital maintenance, then i could really strut my stuff!" (of course, it was hard to say all of this through the ball gag, but when you've got a mouth as big as mine, you can manage)
it's an age-old question STS...shaved or unshaved? waxed or wavy? fur pie or Nair smoothie? but so often the question focuses on the puss-er and not the puss-y. How can i make him happy? (or her i guess) How can I get him off? (again, or her. or them for that matter)
but you know what? it's your pussy STS, and let's face it, you're the one who wakes up with it every morning, wipes the crust out of its eyes, and gets it warmed up and ready to start a new day. so instead of asking me what you should do with your pussy hairs, you should be asking the same question to your pussy. i think you'll be surprised at how opinionated your pussy may be on the topic. so listen up, and cherish your time alone with the most special part of your body (unless you're like me and a bit more of a breast man. or breast woman. or breast tranny, what-fucking-ever). Thanks for your letter, and thanks for talking with me about your pussy.
heart - dave
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
DGGBA: half cherry half cola
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. when the hell is dave gulbis going to start getting stuff? it's give give give with you people....
Dear Dave,
so i have this sister best friend who i love more than anything in the world. we live in different towns but she comes to visit often which is awesome except that when we are together we have the tendency to eat with reckless abandon. we become goldfish who have no concept of fullness and will eat anything put in front of them. after the weekend my sister leaves to go home but the extra pounds stay. I love my sister and love her visits but i also love not worrying about clogged arteries and touching my toes. what is a sister best friend to do?
love and tender kisses,
sierra
***********************
dear sierra,
wow, i didn't actually know that about goldfish, that's crazy. isn't it the same way with dogs? like, dogs will never stop eating if there's food available. I heard about this one thing, in humans, where because of some chromosome defect, certain humans have no control over their impulses - they'll see a hot dog and without even thinking about the fact that they're completely full they'll say to themselves, "wow, hot dog, imma eat it" and eat it and then throw up later because they ate 17 hot dogs before the hot dog vendor cut them off (this is totally true, there's actually a number of armed robbery cases where the defense will plead insanity because their client has this disorder and they'll be walking down the block, see a 7-11, and think "wow 7-11, imma rob it" without even considering it beforehand and they get arrested because they stopped in the middle of the robbery because they saw the slushee machine and thought "wow slushee, imma get half cherry half cola," and because they couldn't stop drinking the slushee they got a mean brainfreeze which, wow, i don't know if you've ever had a real mean brainfreeze but it is no fun at all.)
anyhoo, goldfish look pretty fit to me, so i think you and your sister should head over to the pool after filling yourself up on grub (wait 30 minutes! you don't want to get a cramp!) and swim around in circles until you forget why you were swimming in the first place (goldfish also have no memory - SEE HOW SMART I AM????). might help to get a gold jump suit and maybe a plastic castle too...couldn't hurt, right? thanks for your letter!
holy shit i just noticed that my acronym for dave gulbis is famous is DGIS, what the fuck was i thinking? maybe dave gulbis is swedish?
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
so i have this sister best friend who i love more than anything in the world. we live in different towns but she comes to visit often which is awesome except that when we are together we have the tendency to eat with reckless abandon. we become goldfish who have no concept of fullness and will eat anything put in front of them. after the weekend my sister leaves to go home but the extra pounds stay. I love my sister and love her visits but i also love not worrying about clogged arteries and touching my toes. what is a sister best friend to do?
love and tender kisses,
sierra
***********************
dear sierra,
wow, i didn't actually know that about goldfish, that's crazy. isn't it the same way with dogs? like, dogs will never stop eating if there's food available. I heard about this one thing, in humans, where because of some chromosome defect, certain humans have no control over their impulses - they'll see a hot dog and without even thinking about the fact that they're completely full they'll say to themselves, "wow, hot dog, imma eat it" and eat it and then throw up later because they ate 17 hot dogs before the hot dog vendor cut them off (this is totally true, there's actually a number of armed robbery cases where the defense will plead insanity because their client has this disorder and they'll be walking down the block, see a 7-11, and think "wow 7-11, imma rob it" without even considering it beforehand and they get arrested because they stopped in the middle of the robbery because they saw the slushee machine and thought "wow slushee, imma get half cherry half cola," and because they couldn't stop drinking the slushee they got a mean brainfreeze which, wow, i don't know if you've ever had a real mean brainfreeze but it is no fun at all.)
anyhoo, goldfish look pretty fit to me, so i think you and your sister should head over to the pool after filling yourself up on grub (wait 30 minutes! you don't want to get a cramp!) and swim around in circles until you forget why you were swimming in the first place (goldfish also have no memory - SEE HOW SMART I AM????). might help to get a gold jump suit and maybe a plastic castle too...couldn't hurt, right? thanks for your letter!
holy shit i just noticed that my acronym for dave gulbis is famous is DGIS, what the fuck was i thinking? maybe dave gulbis is swedish?
heart - dave
Friday, October 3, 2008
DGIS: go i go
DGIS stands for Dave Gulbis Is Famous. Dave Gulbis is famous is a new segment (segment?) on DGGBA wherein i tell you loyal readers just how famous i really am. clearly, it will be short-lived.
i've been getting a lot of letters (A LOT!) asking me if i have any relation to the swedish electronic music producer lindstrom. the answer is no, but also yes, because they asked me to be on the cover of his latest album "where you go i go too." see below me (ha ha, "below me"):
i don't really care for the album itself, but it's good to know sweden loves me as much as i love france (j'adore sweden!). dggba will resume soon, i'm anticipating a very productive weekend since i have 8 dollars in my wallet and negative 12 thousand or so in my bank account. hurray!
heart - dave
i've been getting a lot of letters (A LOT!) asking me if i have any relation to the swedish electronic music producer lindstrom. the answer is no, but also yes, because they asked me to be on the cover of his latest album "where you go i go too." see below me (ha ha, "below me"):
i don't really care for the album itself, but it's good to know sweden loves me as much as i love france (j'adore sweden!). dggba will resume soon, i'm anticipating a very productive weekend since i have 8 dollars in my wallet and negative 12 thousand or so in my bank account. hurray!
heart - dave
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
fuck this i'm tired
i was going to update DGGBA tonight, but i'm pretty exhausted (ha ha, if you have google reader you probably clicked this thinking that i was quitting DGGBA. well guess what motherfuckers - QUITTING'S NOT MY GAME) so i'll just leave it at this:
DGGBA Vol. 1 is now available at Needles and Pens (which i literally JUST noticed that it isn't called Needles and Pins) and Dog Eared Books (well, will be tomorrow after my lunch break) - and of course, through me here. That third choice might be your best bet if you're like me and don't often leave the house as i seriously doubt they'll be available for purchase on-line. But if you're in the neighborhood, drop on by and pick one up, i know i was concerned about how they were looking, but believe it or not, they look really really great and i have a hole-puncher (and a very helpful friend) to thank! i'm hoping to have more done by the weekend and more available in stores in the east bay (and BEYOND) by the end of the weekend.
definitely would like to trade these for zines, mix-tapes, etc, etc, but if you're unable or unwilling to trade, the paypal addy is ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. make sure and tell me what you're buying in the comments because otherwise you might get an unwelcome surprise in your mailbox. blah blah blah why am i still typing?
heart - dave
DGGBA Vol. 1 is now available at Needles and Pens (which i literally JUST noticed that it isn't called Needles and Pins) and Dog Eared Books (well, will be tomorrow after my lunch break) - and of course, through me here. That third choice might be your best bet if you're like me and don't often leave the house as i seriously doubt they'll be available for purchase on-line. But if you're in the neighborhood, drop on by and pick one up, i know i was concerned about how they were looking, but believe it or not, they look really really great and i have a hole-puncher (and a very helpful friend) to thank! i'm hoping to have more done by the weekend and more available in stores in the east bay (and BEYOND) by the end of the weekend.
definitely would like to trade these for zines, mix-tapes, etc, etc, but if you're unable or unwilling to trade, the paypal addy is ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. make sure and tell me what you're buying in the comments because otherwise you might get an unwelcome surprise in your mailbox. blah blah blah why am i still typing?
heart - dave
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
DGGBA: n the gf and i
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank god i don't give good advice, because then there would be a glaring typo on the cover of DGGBA vol. 1 (now available - hint, hint).
so dave -
i have this coworker that i really really love. in fact, she's
more than just a coworker, because sometimes i go over to her house and
watch movies or eat her overly ripened produce (not a sexual innuendo,
btw). the only problem with our relationship is that after a year of
working with her i'm really starting to get tired of stories about her cat
or stories about her girlfriend. dave. the ONLY stories she has are about
her cat or about her girlfriend. sometimes, when she's feeling REALLY
chatty, she'll tell a story about her cat AND about her girlfriend! for
example:
me: what'd you do on your day off, t?
t: n (the gf) and i made funny faces at w (the feline) all day! and then
we took some polaroids of him! and then we all went on a walk together
where we ran into this other cat who wasn't near as cute as w. and then..
(and so on)
me: ..... (silence and blinking)
dave, i need some advice!
-hopeless individual
*******************************
dear hopeless individual -
You've probably heard of fighting fire with fire, but when it comes to dull conversations, i fight bore with bore - meaning, instead of avoiding your friend's clear attempts to bond with you, you should use the opportunity to disclose similarly boring facts about yourself.
For example, if "t" starts talking about that really cute time when her cat fell asleep on her lap and she had to sit up really slowly so the cat didn't wake up and then she picked up the cat and she started to wake up but then she fell back asleep and started purring and oh it was so cute, you should respond by telling her that you also have a story, and then tell her about the other night when you fell asleep on the couch and then you got up and went to bed (without brushing your teeth, ew). Or if she mentions the time when she and her girlfriend decided to clean out all the overripe produce from the refrigerator (wink, wink), you should mention the time you couldn't find anything good in your fridge, so you decided to eat out instead (again, wink wink). Starting to get the picture?
You see HI (hi!), conversations are a lot like peppers; some like them spicy, but some like them mild, and a good host wouldn't serve Habaneros to their more mild-mannered friends (that brilliant analogy is TRADEMARKED, don't even TOUCH it without a lawyer). Thanks for your letter HI (hi!), I hope my advice will help you and your boring friend have plenty of boring times together.
heart - dave
so dave -
i have this coworker that i really really love. in fact, she's
more than just a coworker, because sometimes i go over to her house and
watch movies or eat her overly ripened produce (not a sexual innuendo,
btw). the only problem with our relationship is that after a year of
working with her i'm really starting to get tired of stories about her cat
or stories about her girlfriend. dave. the ONLY stories she has are about
her cat or about her girlfriend. sometimes, when she's feeling REALLY
chatty, she'll tell a story about her cat AND about her girlfriend! for
example:
me: what'd you do on your day off, t?
t: n (the gf) and i made funny faces at w (the feline) all day! and then
we took some polaroids of him! and then we all went on a walk together
where we ran into this other cat who wasn't near as cute as w. and then..
(and so on)
me: ..... (silence and blinking)
dave, i need some advice!
-hopeless individual
*******************************
dear hopeless individual -
You've probably heard of fighting fire with fire, but when it comes to dull conversations, i fight bore with bore - meaning, instead of avoiding your friend's clear attempts to bond with you, you should use the opportunity to disclose similarly boring facts about yourself.
For example, if "t" starts talking about that really cute time when her cat fell asleep on her lap and she had to sit up really slowly so the cat didn't wake up and then she picked up the cat and she started to wake up but then she fell back asleep and started purring and oh it was so cute, you should respond by telling her that you also have a story, and then tell her about the other night when you fell asleep on the couch and then you got up and went to bed (without brushing your teeth, ew). Or if she mentions the time when she and her girlfriend decided to clean out all the overripe produce from the refrigerator (wink, wink), you should mention the time you couldn't find anything good in your fridge, so you decided to eat out instead (again, wink wink). Starting to get the picture?
You see HI (hi!), conversations are a lot like peppers; some like them spicy, but some like them mild, and a good host wouldn't serve Habaneros to their more mild-mannered friends (that brilliant analogy is TRADEMARKED, don't even TOUCH it without a lawyer). Thanks for your letter HI (hi!), I hope my advice will help you and your boring friend have plenty of boring times together.
heart - dave
Sunday, August 31, 2008
DGGBA: fuck the hats
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. B-A-N-A-N-A-S doesn't technically stand for bananas, but it does describe how you should react after hearing the news I have for you.
Hey dggba,
I'm going to be out of town for a friend's birthday.
Is it best to ignore said birthday and pretend that nothing happened?
If I was in town I might buy them a beer, but that's hard to do long distance.
Thanks
September in Reno
******************
Hi September in Reno -
First things first, SIR? I don't get it, why does your name spell SIR? I know how the advice game works, I've been doing this professionally for hella long, and those clever names you pick out are supposed to spell things. SIR? Are you a dude? If so, you should have gone with Doesn't Understand Drinking Emissaries (i had to use a thesaurus for that one...that might not even make sense, it's a lot harder to do these when you're not drunk).
Anyways, not funny jokes aside, this question gives me a perfect opportunity to rail against one of my least favorite holidays: birthdays (you're next, arbor day...). SCREW BIRTHDAYS. Where is the fun in getting a bunch of people you don't know that well to scowl at you for making them wear stupid hats and eat cheap, gross cake with melted wax on it and saliva from when you tried to blow out those stupid fucking trick candles that probably put glycerin or something on the cake as well? Fuck the cake, fuck the hats, and fuck birthdays.
Not only do i think you should NOT buy your friend a long-distance beer on his birthday, but i think you should make it a habit to constantly be out of town on your friends' birthdays (in reno too! the slots are looser and the buffets come with extra melon!). thanks for your letter SIR.
OK! now that i have that crap out of the way, i have FUCKING AWESOME news and bad, but not really that important news. first, the MIND-BLOWING GREAT news: DGGBA VOL. 1 IS NOW AVAILABLE!!!!! i know, i know, i hate caps lock too but come on! DGGBA VOL. 1! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
now the bad news. i only have six. really. six. i got annoyed with making them and i only have six right now. but they are done and they look good and i promise you i am making more as we speak (well, after i'm done typing this and probably around the time you get to reading it). so if you'd like one, ACT NOW (sorry again for caps) and i'll do what i can to either get you one that is available or make sure you get one hot off the presses (the presses being my floor). comment below, e-mail me at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com, or, you know, call me up, bump into me at the supermarket, whatevs. the price is...
(note: that's not me)
...that means i really don't know what you should give me for one. financial donations are obviously appreciated but also obviously less appreciated than a zine of your own, a mixtape, etc, etc. or if you just ask nice, that's cool too (read: blowjob). thanks for reading everyone, keep the questions coming, and remember, FUCK BIRTHDAYS IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACE! take care.
heart - dave
Hey dggba,
I'm going to be out of town for a friend's birthday.
Is it best to ignore said birthday and pretend that nothing happened?
If I was in town I might buy them a beer, but that's hard to do long distance.
Thanks
September in Reno
******************
Hi September in Reno -
First things first, SIR? I don't get it, why does your name spell SIR? I know how the advice game works, I've been doing this professionally for hella long, and those clever names you pick out are supposed to spell things. SIR? Are you a dude? If so, you should have gone with Doesn't Understand Drinking Emissaries (i had to use a thesaurus for that one...that might not even make sense, it's a lot harder to do these when you're not drunk).
Anyways, not funny jokes aside, this question gives me a perfect opportunity to rail against one of my least favorite holidays: birthdays (you're next, arbor day...). SCREW BIRTHDAYS. Where is the fun in getting a bunch of people you don't know that well to scowl at you for making them wear stupid hats and eat cheap, gross cake with melted wax on it and saliva from when you tried to blow out those stupid fucking trick candles that probably put glycerin or something on the cake as well? Fuck the cake, fuck the hats, and fuck birthdays.
Not only do i think you should NOT buy your friend a long-distance beer on his birthday, but i think you should make it a habit to constantly be out of town on your friends' birthdays (in reno too! the slots are looser and the buffets come with extra melon!). thanks for your letter SIR.
OK! now that i have that crap out of the way, i have FUCKING AWESOME news and bad, but not really that important news. first, the MIND-BLOWING GREAT news: DGGBA VOL. 1 IS NOW AVAILABLE!!!!! i know, i know, i hate caps lock too but come on! DGGBA VOL. 1! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
now the bad news. i only have six. really. six. i got annoyed with making them and i only have six right now. but they are done and they look good and i promise you i am making more as we speak (well, after i'm done typing this and probably around the time you get to reading it). so if you'd like one, ACT NOW (sorry again for caps) and i'll do what i can to either get you one that is available or make sure you get one hot off the presses (the presses being my floor). comment below, e-mail me at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com, or, you know, call me up, bump into me at the supermarket, whatevs. the price is...
(note: that's not me)
...that means i really don't know what you should give me for one. financial donations are obviously appreciated but also obviously less appreciated than a zine of your own, a mixtape, etc, etc. or if you just ask nice, that's cool too (read: blowjob). thanks for reading everyone, keep the questions coming, and remember, FUCK BIRTHDAYS IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACE! take care.
heart - dave
Sunday, July 27, 2008
DGGBA: hard or hangin'
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, but based on someone's suggestion, i've been thinking about changing the name of the blog to "dave gulbis gives back to the teens (DGGBTTT)." If the name itself doesn't sell you, the fact that the acronym is only two letters away from "dogbutt" probably won't close the deal either.
Dear Dave,
What do you think of this (http://tinyurl.com/6r8942), and should I get it for my kids?
Best,
B
**************
Hi B -
For those of you who listened to their parents when they told you not to click links from strangers (HA! you see what i did there?), that site is selling these:
Here's an excerpt of the description (i edited it to make it sound like a description of a dildo):
"Deep front pocket and hood for extra protection against getting slammed...thick (not bulky) for enjoying roomy comfort...Great durability for playing hard or hangin' out...Stay warm while lookin' casual-cool in this kid version of an adult favorite."
Enough fun and games though - do I think you should get one for your kids? Well B (have we met?), I think that if you heart your dildo enough to buy a sweatshirt to make sure everyone knows that you have an unhealthy obsession with a vibrating piece of machinery that you jam up your vagina on a good day and wrestle into your butt on a bad day (and poke in your ear on a weird day), then chances are you probably don't have any kids of your own who will get to learn what dildos and masturbation are from either the principal who's suspending them or the pederast who also hearts dildos (in a much more unhealthy way). If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - DILDOS DON'T EJACULATE - so if you really want to have kids you can fuck up by giving them this sweatshirt, you might want to direct some money from your 9-volt battery budget towards sperm banks, gigolos, or to me, dave gulbis (same diff). Dildos can't get you pregnant, but give me some booze and a corn-dog and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
p.s. - zine update: i might work on them tonight if i get bored.
p.p.s. - geez, have these always been so vulgar? this is the first one i actually read.
Dear Dave,
What do you think of this (http://tinyurl.com/6r8942), and should I get it for my kids?
Best,
B
**************
Hi B -
For those of you who listened to their parents when they told you not to click links from strangers (HA! you see what i did there?), that site is selling these:
Here's an excerpt of the description (i edited it to make it sound like a description of a dildo):
"Deep front pocket and hood for extra protection against getting slammed...thick (not bulky) for enjoying roomy comfort...Great durability for playing hard or hangin' out...Stay warm while lookin' casual-cool in this kid version of an adult favorite."
Enough fun and games though - do I think you should get one for your kids? Well B (have we met?), I think that if you heart your dildo enough to buy a sweatshirt to make sure everyone knows that you have an unhealthy obsession with a vibrating piece of machinery that you jam up your vagina on a good day and wrestle into your butt on a bad day (and poke in your ear on a weird day), then chances are you probably don't have any kids of your own who will get to learn what dildos and masturbation are from either the principal who's suspending them or the pederast who also hearts dildos (in a much more unhealthy way). If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - DILDOS DON'T EJACULATE - so if you really want to have kids you can fuck up by giving them this sweatshirt, you might want to direct some money from your 9-volt battery budget towards sperm banks, gigolos, or to me, dave gulbis (same diff). Dildos can't get you pregnant, but give me some booze and a corn-dog and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
p.s. - zine update: i might work on them tonight if i get bored.
p.p.s. - geez, have these always been so vulgar? this is the first one i actually read.
Friday, July 11, 2008
DGGBA: eat no one
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. It is also my ATM code and the password for my myspace.
Dear Dave,
A very annoying child is yelling and making faces at me through the upstairs window of the house next door to me. I think my tubes just tied themselves. Is that even possible?
Best,
val
*******************
dear val,
while considering your question, i looked across the alley outside my bedroom window and through the partially opened blinds of my neighbors. one of my neighbors is watching sportcenter (which has WAY more special effects than is necessary. it's like i'm watching tron but there's more awkward cameltoe from baseball pants) and the other one of my neighbors just got out of the shower. he's a lot hairier than i am (no easy task) and it kind of makes me feel like less of a man. so to make up for it i downloaded some porn and tried to rub one out, but all i could see was computer generated baseballs flying out of grizzly man breasts. Needless to say, I couldn't "finish the job" (i get paid to masturbate) and if what's out of my window can stop me from ejaculating, i have to assume that what's out of your window can stop you from getting pregnant. it's like that phrase "if i don't eat, no one eats," but a LOT less appetizing.
boy, this post should make everyone pretty stoked that i'm back. i only have 2 more questions so please please please send me an e-mail at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. zine update: nothing to report. i've printed out paper but i'm not really that stoked on how they came out so i haven't been that enthusiastic about putting them all together. plus, they are a pain in the ass to put together. here's some good advice for people interested in making zines - keep it simple stupid (KISS - all GOOD advice has GOOD acronyms).
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
A very annoying child is yelling and making faces at me through the upstairs window of the house next door to me. I think my tubes just tied themselves. Is that even possible?
Best,
val
*******************
dear val,
while considering your question, i looked across the alley outside my bedroom window and through the partially opened blinds of my neighbors. one of my neighbors is watching sportcenter (which has WAY more special effects than is necessary. it's like i'm watching tron but there's more awkward cameltoe from baseball pants) and the other one of my neighbors just got out of the shower. he's a lot hairier than i am (no easy task) and it kind of makes me feel like less of a man. so to make up for it i downloaded some porn and tried to rub one out, but all i could see was computer generated baseballs flying out of grizzly man breasts. Needless to say, I couldn't "finish the job" (i get paid to masturbate) and if what's out of my window can stop me from ejaculating, i have to assume that what's out of your window can stop you from getting pregnant. it's like that phrase "if i don't eat, no one eats," but a LOT less appetizing.
boy, this post should make everyone pretty stoked that i'm back. i only have 2 more questions so please please please send me an e-mail at ihateyourartschool at gmail dot com. zine update: nothing to report. i've printed out paper but i'm not really that stoked on how they came out so i haven't been that enthusiastic about putting them all together. plus, they are a pain in the ass to put together. here's some good advice for people interested in making zines - keep it simple stupid (KISS - all GOOD advice has GOOD acronyms).
heart - dave
Sunday, April 6, 2008
UPDATE: I am still alive
To everyone who's been asking: yes, it's true, i am still alive (and thus still qualified to give bad advice). And I'm touched at the internet campaign you all started to inquire about my safety, that was really sweet. it's good to know you all care, and that you all still need bad advice (even though i was pretty sure i solved the world's problems already). in case you wondered, here's what i've been doing:
L - I - V - I - N'
and
D - R - I - N - K - I - N'
and I've also been working on the DGGBA zine vol. 1, which will be sure to disappoint anyone who's actually been waiting excitedly for it since it was first mentioned (seriously, it's been like months. does anyone even remember DGGBA? I had to read the archives to remember what it stood for). i'm expecting to have the first copies done by the weekend, which is ironic because i'm not expecting to have my taxes done until may. is that irony? whatever, wouldn't be the first word i misused.
but to celebrate the release of my first greatest hits compilation (IT'S ALL FUCKING GOLD), i'm offering you (yes you) the readers of DGGBA to do the unthinkable: offer me (hopefully good) advice! please write in to ihateyourartschool AT gmail DOT com your own response to the following:
Does anyone know a good place to get cheap ink cartridges? Or isn't there some way to, like, refill them? I mean, I already made stencils and bought paper (NICE paper), there's no fucking way I'm buying a brand new ink cartridge just to finish this shit.
Send in your responses by Wednesday at 11:59 pacific time, and I'll repost the winner's response right here - in this very blog (though I might take credit for it if it's particularly clever...let's face it kid, i'm the name on the marquee)!
also, although i'm still technically on my break, since I'm such a hard worker, y'all can go ahead and send me any questions you might need advice on. I mean, i'm still not going to DO them yet but right now I got nothing.
EDIT: please note i'm also looking to start contributing to the Our Favorite Records blog as well with similarly hard-nosed dedication. does that even make sense?
heart - dave
L - I - V - I - N'
and
D - R - I - N - K - I - N'
and I've also been working on the DGGBA zine vol. 1, which will be sure to disappoint anyone who's actually been waiting excitedly for it since it was first mentioned (seriously, it's been like months. does anyone even remember DGGBA? I had to read the archives to remember what it stood for). i'm expecting to have the first copies done by the weekend, which is ironic because i'm not expecting to have my taxes done until may. is that irony? whatever, wouldn't be the first word i misused.
but to celebrate the release of my first greatest hits compilation (IT'S ALL FUCKING GOLD), i'm offering you (yes you) the readers of DGGBA to do the unthinkable: offer me (hopefully good) advice! please write in to ihateyourartschool AT gmail DOT com your own response to the following:
Does anyone know a good place to get cheap ink cartridges? Or isn't there some way to, like, refill them? I mean, I already made stencils and bought paper (NICE paper), there's no fucking way I'm buying a brand new ink cartridge just to finish this shit.
Send in your responses by Wednesday at 11:59 pacific time, and I'll repost the winner's response right here - in this very blog (though I might take credit for it if it's particularly clever...let's face it kid, i'm the name on the marquee)!
also, although i'm still technically on my break, since I'm such a hard worker, y'all can go ahead and send me any questions you might need advice on. I mean, i'm still not going to DO them yet but right now I got nothing.
EDIT: please note i'm also looking to start contributing to the Our Favorite Records blog as well with similarly hard-nosed dedication. does that even make sense?
heart - dave
Monday, January 21, 2008
DGGBA: "bitches" have feelings too
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank you for helping make this blog [well, technically the myspace blog this started on] the number one result for a google search of DGGBA (if you did in fact have anything to do with that). apparently DGGBA also exists in other languages too. who knew?
Dear DGGBA,
I'm moving across the country and the advice my father gave me was to "burn bridges and fuck bitches." This sounds like either the best or worst advice a father has given his son. Opinion?
sweet love and stank kisses,
dan
P.S. Fuck you. Your place or mine?
***********
dear dan,
Opinion? You bet! I think your father needs to stop using the b-word (b-word being "bitches"). "Bitches" have feelings too, and I'm sure your dad would be offended if i started referring to him as a "shit-eating leg humper with a dick that looks like melted lipstick."
That said, i think he's right. fuck 'em all and let god sort it out.
heart - dave
p.s. - mine. obviously. you live across the country.
heart (again) - dave
Dear DGGBA,
I'm moving across the country and the advice my father gave me was to "burn bridges and fuck bitches." This sounds like either the best or worst advice a father has given his son. Opinion?
sweet love and stank kisses,
dan
P.S. Fuck you. Your place or mine?
***********
dear dan,
Opinion? You bet! I think your father needs to stop using the b-word (b-word being "bitches"). "Bitches" have feelings too, and I'm sure your dad would be offended if i started referring to him as a "shit-eating leg humper with a dick that looks like melted lipstick."
That said, i think he's right. fuck 'em all and let god sort it out.
heart - dave
p.s. - mine. obviously. you live across the country.
heart (again) - dave
Thursday, January 17, 2008
DGGBA: these are hard
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also makes shelves that may or may not be earthquake safe. inquire for rates.
Two more short ones for you. Ha! That's what she said!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THURSDAY
Dear Dave,
Why am I such a crackhead-ho?
Sincerely,
Dave's mom
**************
Dear Dave's mom,
These are hard times we live in. I say do what makes you happy, and if being a crackhead-ho makes you happy, then pass the rock, little lady. Pass the rock.
***************
dearest dave,
did you know that Nerds Rope (the candy) rules? if not you better fucking find out.
<34eva (gross)
T
**********
Dear T,
Of course I knew - I know everything, no duh! And bee tea dubs, Dave Gulbis gives bad advice - he doesn't receive unsolicited candy recommendations. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Two more short ones for you. Ha! That's what she said!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THURSDAY
Dear Dave,
Why am I such a crackhead-ho?
Sincerely,
Dave's mom
**************
Dear Dave's mom,
These are hard times we live in. I say do what makes you happy, and if being a crackhead-ho makes you happy, then pass the rock, little lady. Pass the rock.
***************
dearest dave,
did you know that Nerds Rope (the candy) rules? if not you better fucking find out.
<34eva (gross)
T
**********
Dear T,
Of course I knew - I know everything, no duh! And bee tea dubs, Dave Gulbis gives bad advice - he doesn't receive unsolicited candy recommendations. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Friday, January 11, 2008
DGGBA: 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA turns 20 (entries) today, which means that i, dave gulbis, have saved 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TODAY? HUH? EAT CEREAL? i hope you enjoyed that cereal while I WAS SAVING LIVES!
Dear Dave,
Sometimes I can't stop. What do I do?
Nebulous
*****************
Dear Nebulous,
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! it's really annoying!
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
Sometimes I can't stop. What do I do?
Nebulous
*****************
Dear Nebulous,
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! it's really annoying!
heart - dave
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
DGGBA: that many i’s
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. If DGGBA were a tree, it would be a tree that gave bad advice.
dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
******************
dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
******************
dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Thursday, January 3, 2008
DGGBA: what-the-fuck-ever
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, not dave gulbis gives bedazzling advice. Like the manual says, THE BEDAZZLER IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ADVICE GIVING.
this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a
THREEFER CHRISTMAS
dear dave,
1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?
2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?
3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.
boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.
2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.
3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.
heart - dave
this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a
THREEFER CHRISTMAS
dear dave,
1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?
2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?
3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.
boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.
2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.
3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.
heart - dave
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