DGGBA: that many i’s

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. If DGGBA were a tree, it would be a tree that gave bad advice.

dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
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dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.

heart - dave