DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. As the below may prove, dave gulbis gives much worse advice when he takes a break from giving advice (DGGMWAWHTABFGA).
Technically this is a twofer friday although it barely feels like a onefer.
Dear Dave,
Now what?
Love,
Liz
************
Dear Liz,
Now buttons!
heart - dave
***********************
Additionally, dear Dave,
Why, when I was nosing around for sad music, did you never recommend Smog? it's perfect!
So long!
- Liz
*************
Dear Liz,
Smog is a problem in a number of cities and continues to harm human health.[1] Ground-level ozone, sulfur dioxide, nitrogen dioxide and carbon monoxide are especially harmful for senior citizens, children, and people with heart and lung conditions such as emphysema, bronchitis, and asthma[2]. It can inflame breathing passages, decreasing the lungs' working capacity, and causing shortness of breath, pain when inhaling deeply, wheezing, and coughing. It can cause eye and nose irritation and it dries out the protective membranes of the nose and throat and interferes with the body's ability to fight infection, increasing susceptibility to illness. Hospital admissions and respiratory deaths often increase during periods when ozone levels are high [3].
Plus you asked me for happy music and I think Irma Thomas is way happier than Smog.
heart - dave
Friday, December 28, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
DGGBA: sub-par
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. if my parents had named me "awesome bad-ass" like i had asked, then the title of this column would be a palindrome. too bad my parents are dicks.
dear dave,
How do I make it stop?
love and kisses,
mikey
********************
dear mikey,
pronouns that don't reference nouns are tricky, but don't think you've put one over on me! below is a list of possible things "it" might refer to, and possible answers to your possible question.
it = "the voice inside my head"
A: find a louder voice outside of your head, even if it means sitting alone in your room and shouting.
it = "this bus full of nuns and orphans"
A: swerve the wheel back and forth frantically. if that doesn't make it stop, adjust your rear and side mirrors. still no? call superman.
it = "the itching and burning"
A: Either tough-actin' Tinactin (I got paid $50 to type that) or Valtrek (Valtrek is not a cure for herpes, merely a treatment for its symptoms)
it = "the unbearable lightness of being"
A: if you're referring to the movie, there should be a button on the remote with a square on it. push that one or just unplug the tv. the book? throw it out the window. the actual lightness of being? gain weight (wakka wakka).
it = "the laughter"
A: read this sub-par column. man, not my best work. maybe you did put one over on me.
heart - dave
dear dave,
How do I make it stop?
love and kisses,
mikey
********************
dear mikey,
pronouns that don't reference nouns are tricky, but don't think you've put one over on me! below is a list of possible things "it" might refer to, and possible answers to your possible question.
it = "the voice inside my head"
A: find a louder voice outside of your head, even if it means sitting alone in your room and shouting.
it = "this bus full of nuns and orphans"
A: swerve the wheel back and forth frantically. if that doesn't make it stop, adjust your rear and side mirrors. still no? call superman.
it = "the itching and burning"
A: Either tough-actin' Tinactin (I got paid $50 to type that) or Valtrek (Valtrek is not a cure for herpes, merely a treatment for its symptoms)
it = "the unbearable lightness of being"
A: if you're referring to the movie, there should be a button on the remote with a square on it. push that one or just unplug the tv. the book? throw it out the window. the actual lightness of being? gain weight (wakka wakka).
it = "the laughter"
A: read this sub-par column. man, not my best work. maybe you did put one over on me.
heart - dave
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
DGGBA: dear wishes
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also has weird people hanging out on his stoop. who wants to advise me on THAT one?
dear dave,
All I want to do is snort adderol and pick peeling paint. Like, that's my idea of a decent day. Will I ever love again?
Best,
Wishes
***************
dear wishes,
if alcoholic pop-stars and really obnoxious cartoon cats have taught me anything, it's that opposites attract, so i recommend dating a straight-edge painter.
heart - dave
dear dave,
All I want to do is snort adderol and pick peeling paint. Like, that's my idea of a decent day. Will I ever love again?
Best,
Wishes
***************
dear wishes,
if alcoholic pop-stars and really obnoxious cartoon cats have taught me anything, it's that opposites attract, so i recommend dating a straight-edge painter.
heart - dave
Monday, December 17, 2007
DGGBA: sex, with whoever
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA is also the sound people make after finding out the milk's gone bad.
hey dave,
how do i become sexy like you? please tell me. i need to be sexy for someone.
hearts and kisses,
lolita
**************
dear lolita,
thanks for the hearts and kisses, but i'm afraid i must start off this letter by immediately correcting you. you don't need to be sexy for SOMEONE, you need to be sexy for everyone. there's enough uglies strolling around today you'd think they changed the name of the country to the united states of ameri-bleh! (note: my bad puns are in fact for sale, please inquire for a rate chart). think of your self as a sexy environmentalist, fighting the ugly polluters to save the future of the sexy planet. or, better yet, think of yourself as a sexy librarian. yeah...books...
but how do i BECOME sexy, you may be asking yourself? ...or i guess actually you actually did ask that. sorry, i got distracted by the united states of ameri-bleh bit (so funny!). well, there's a phrase that's popular amongst the kids (and, believe it or not, therapists) today: "fake it til you make it." sexy is an attitude, and it really doesn't matter if you're ugly as sin's morning BM, because if you feel it (and i do mean FEEL it), no one else will argue. here's some practical tips to help change your attitude:
1. constant reminders will help make sure you don't fall off the sexy trail. leave little notes for yourself around your apartment that say things like "man, you're sexy" or "whoa, sexy thing, coming through!" or do as i do, and wear some of those booty shorts or halter tops that say hot stuff (or both).
2. nothing is sexier than having sex - it's the reason sexy starts with "sex." so have a lot of sex, with whoever.
3. some people think a positive attitude is sexy, or a can-do spirit, or a degree in social work or microbiology. these people are wrong - but the point is, people think all sort of weird, stupid shit is sexy. so don't worry about your gross pimples, open sores, or missing fingers - like dolly parton said, "if you can't hide it, flaunt it!"
hope my advice helped lolita. enjoy your new sexy life, and if we ever meet, please remember helpful tip number 2. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
hey dave,
how do i become sexy like you? please tell me. i need to be sexy for someone.
hearts and kisses,
lolita
**************
dear lolita,
thanks for the hearts and kisses, but i'm afraid i must start off this letter by immediately correcting you. you don't need to be sexy for SOMEONE, you need to be sexy for everyone. there's enough uglies strolling around today you'd think they changed the name of the country to the united states of ameri-bleh! (note: my bad puns are in fact for sale, please inquire for a rate chart). think of your self as a sexy environmentalist, fighting the ugly polluters to save the future of the sexy planet. or, better yet, think of yourself as a sexy librarian. yeah...books...
but how do i BECOME sexy, you may be asking yourself? ...or i guess actually you actually did ask that. sorry, i got distracted by the united states of ameri-bleh bit (so funny!). well, there's a phrase that's popular amongst the kids (and, believe it or not, therapists) today: "fake it til you make it." sexy is an attitude, and it really doesn't matter if you're ugly as sin's morning BM, because if you feel it (and i do mean FEEL it), no one else will argue. here's some practical tips to help change your attitude:
1. constant reminders will help make sure you don't fall off the sexy trail. leave little notes for yourself around your apartment that say things like "man, you're sexy" or "whoa, sexy thing, coming through!" or do as i do, and wear some of those booty shorts or halter tops that say hot stuff (or both).
2. nothing is sexier than having sex - it's the reason sexy starts with "sex." so have a lot of sex, with whoever.
3. some people think a positive attitude is sexy, or a can-do spirit, or a degree in social work or microbiology. these people are wrong - but the point is, people think all sort of weird, stupid shit is sexy. so don't worry about your gross pimples, open sores, or missing fingers - like dolly parton said, "if you can't hide it, flaunt it!"
hope my advice helped lolita. enjoy your new sexy life, and if we ever meet, please remember helpful tip number 2. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Friday, December 14, 2007
DGGBA: things that aren’t weird
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, though i am considering changing the name of my column to an unpronounceable symbol. news to come.
Dear David,
There's this boy I really like, but we were making out the other day and he stopped kissing me and said "do you want to feel something weird?" I sort of changed the subject, but now I feel a little freaked out. What do you think he meant? Do you think I should I feel it?
Thanks,
Mystified in the Mission
***********************
Dear Mystified in the Mission,
This is sort of a tricky question, but the answer could help you sort out some issues in your relationship. I say feel it, and if it is weird, then it can be something you and he can get weirded out by together. If it isn't weird, then, to quote my fellow advice columnier Dan Savage, DTMFA. You sound like a busy young free-wheeling gal, and you've got no time in your busy, young, free-wheeling Mission life to be touching things that aren't weird. Thanks for your letter - let me know how it turns out!
heart - dave
Dear David,
There's this boy I really like, but we were making out the other day and he stopped kissing me and said "do you want to feel something weird?" I sort of changed the subject, but now I feel a little freaked out. What do you think he meant? Do you think I should I feel it?
Thanks,
Mystified in the Mission
***********************
Dear Mystified in the Mission,
This is sort of a tricky question, but the answer could help you sort out some issues in your relationship. I say feel it, and if it is weird, then it can be something you and he can get weirded out by together. If it isn't weird, then, to quote my fellow advice columnier Dan Savage, DTMFA. You sound like a busy young free-wheeling gal, and you've got no time in your busy, young, free-wheeling Mission life to be touching things that aren't weird. Thanks for your letter - let me know how it turns out!
heart - dave
Thursday, December 13, 2007
DGGBA: minor panic and/or vomiting
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also gives good hugs, in case you're interested.
Dear Dave,
...why did i lock myself out of my house and be forced to wear the same underpants as i did yesterday? ....and how do i prevent this in the future?
with an undying love that echoes through time,
tangerine
**************
Dear Tangerine,
i don't mean to go off on a tangent, but your letter brings up an interesting point - one that i've been meaning to address for some time. if you don't sign your name on your letters, I get to sign your name for you...and say whatever i want. so while you may or may not have signed your question to me with a promise of never-ending affection, guess what? now it's in print, and legally binding (read the patriot act).
now then, your question. i'm really not sure why you locked yourself out of your house, but judging from your willingness to disclose the fact that you're wearing the same underwear two days in a row (at least), it seems to me that you may be subconsciously afraid of clean underwear and are "accidentally" locking yourself out of your house to avoid confronting the skeltons that lie in your underwear drawer. YOU ARE NOT ALONE - i too have struggled with subropaphobia (i just made that up but it's pretty fun to say out loud - try it with an italian accent). but unless you want unsightly discolorations on your buttocks and genitals (true story), you're going to have to confront your fear and start wearing clean underwear. it can be helpful to do things you like while putting on clean underwear to help form a new, more pleasant association. for example, eat an ice cream bar while getting dressed in the morning. or, if you're watching your weight, put an adorable kitten in your underwear before you put them on - who doesn't love kittens? it will take time, but with some hard work and electro-shock therapy, you'll be able to again slip on some clean drawers with only minor panic and/or vomiting. thanks for your letter, and good luck.
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
...why did i lock myself out of my house and be forced to wear the same underpants as i did yesterday? ....and how do i prevent this in the future?
with an undying love that echoes through time,
tangerine
**************
Dear Tangerine,
i don't mean to go off on a tangent, but your letter brings up an interesting point - one that i've been meaning to address for some time. if you don't sign your name on your letters, I get to sign your name for you...and say whatever i want. so while you may or may not have signed your question to me with a promise of never-ending affection, guess what? now it's in print, and legally binding (read the patriot act).
now then, your question. i'm really not sure why you locked yourself out of your house, but judging from your willingness to disclose the fact that you're wearing the same underwear two days in a row (at least), it seems to me that you may be subconsciously afraid of clean underwear and are "accidentally" locking yourself out of your house to avoid confronting the skeltons that lie in your underwear drawer. YOU ARE NOT ALONE - i too have struggled with subropaphobia (i just made that up but it's pretty fun to say out loud - try it with an italian accent). but unless you want unsightly discolorations on your buttocks and genitals (true story), you're going to have to confront your fear and start wearing clean underwear. it can be helpful to do things you like while putting on clean underwear to help form a new, more pleasant association. for example, eat an ice cream bar while getting dressed in the morning. or, if you're watching your weight, put an adorable kitten in your underwear before you put them on - who doesn't love kittens? it will take time, but with some hard work and electro-shock therapy, you'll be able to again slip on some clean drawers with only minor panic and/or vomiting. thanks for your letter, and good luck.
heart - dave
Monday, December 10, 2007
DGGBA: flex your genius bone
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA might also stand for dave gulbis gets way drunk at the revolver christmas party and can't see straight, but to be honest, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to verify that one.
dear DGGBA,
i am way drunk and need to write my advice column. what should i do?
love fuckin' dear abby or something.
*******************
dear fuckin' dear abby or something,
being too drunk to give advice is like being too drunk to pee your pants while trying to make out with your best friend's cousin. suck it up and flex your genius bone - people depend on you EVERY DAY to solve their made-up problems and if you can't handle that, then i don't recommend getting any pets, plants, and/or children any time soon because advice giving is as easy as it gets. thanks for your letter, and good luck at work tomorrow.
heart - dave
dear DGGBA,
i am way drunk and need to write my advice column. what should i do?
love fuckin' dear abby or something.
*******************
dear fuckin' dear abby or something,
being too drunk to give advice is like being too drunk to pee your pants while trying to make out with your best friend's cousin. suck it up and flex your genius bone - people depend on you EVERY DAY to solve their made-up problems and if you can't handle that, then i don't recommend getting any pets, plants, and/or children any time soon because advice giving is as easy as it gets. thanks for your letter, and good luck at work tomorrow.
heart - dave
Thursday, December 6, 2007
DGGBA: paranoid weirdness
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. Since I am dave gulbis, I probably should have called it i give bad advice, but i think DGGBA has a certain ring to it.
I'm not going to be home on Friday, so guess what?
TWOFER THURSDAY
Dear DGGBA,
how do I get one of my questions on your advise blog?
with love
wondering wizard
****************
Dear wondering wizard,
There you have it.
heart - dave
**********************
Dearest DGGBA (aka DDGGBA aka dungeons and dragons gamers get blowjobs always)
Why is life such a ginormous paradox?
and
Why can't i grow much chest hair yet my happy trail grew back within weeks of it being shaved off for surgery?
and one follow up...
why my appendix?
yeah
-c.r.a.p.
(connor's ruptured appendix penguins!!!!)
****************
Dear c.r.a.p.,
I get approached by a lot of homeless people for some reason, and they always love chatting with me about their paranoid weirdness. One guy asked me if I thought Jesus touched children like priests do, while another guy asked me how to get the surveillance wires out of his balls (NOT JOKING). I'm going to tell you what I always tell them:
um. i don't know dude, life's weird. Do you want a cigarette?
heart - dave
I guess maybe technically this'll be a THREEFER THURSDAY since Mark asked me this:
Ahahahaha, will this be a weekly advice column? It should be.
I don't know what Ahahahaha means but hopefully it's some kind of foreign compliment (in daveland it now means "hot damn you sexy dinger! good advice!"). I'm either going to do this every weeknight that i'm home and bored (so, every weeknight) or as the questions inevitably slow, every time i get a question. So, keep those questions coming, sorry if it's taking me awhile to answer them but believe it or not there are actually kind of a lot. Thanks again.
heart (again) - dave
I'm not going to be home on Friday, so guess what?
TWOFER THURSDAY
Dear DGGBA,
how do I get one of my questions on your advise blog?
with love
wondering wizard
****************
Dear wondering wizard,
There you have it.
heart - dave
**********************
Dearest DGGBA (aka DDGGBA aka dungeons and dragons gamers get blowjobs always)
Why is life such a ginormous paradox?
and
Why can't i grow much chest hair yet my happy trail grew back within weeks of it being shaved off for surgery?
and one follow up...
why my appendix?
yeah
-c.r.a.p.
(connor's ruptured appendix penguins!!!!)
****************
Dear c.r.a.p.,
I get approached by a lot of homeless people for some reason, and they always love chatting with me about their paranoid weirdness. One guy asked me if I thought Jesus touched children like priests do, while another guy asked me how to get the surveillance wires out of his balls (NOT JOKING). I'm going to tell you what I always tell them:
um. i don't know dude, life's weird. Do you want a cigarette?
heart - dave
I guess maybe technically this'll be a THREEFER THURSDAY since Mark asked me this:
Ahahahaha, will this be a weekly advice column? It should be.
I don't know what Ahahahaha means but hopefully it's some kind of foreign compliment (in daveland it now means "hot damn you sexy dinger! good advice!"). I'm either going to do this every weeknight that i'm home and bored (so, every weeknight) or as the questions inevitably slow, every time i get a question. So, keep those questions coming, sorry if it's taking me awhile to answer them but believe it or not there are actually kind of a lot. Thanks again.
heart (again) - dave
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
DGGBA: tie and soak it
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it also stands for "dave gulbis giggling? boy-oh-boy, adorable!"
Dear Dave,
What should I get my dad for Christmas?
Kisses,
Mikey
******************
Dear Mikey,
They say it's the thought that counts, but let's face it - come Christmas time, it's the "bought" that counts! (I CAME UP WITH THAT MYSELF!) Meaning, money counts, and your dad will be counting on you to bring him some Christmas cheer. So whatever bacon you bring home, it better be damned expensive, and teeming with gold-streaked fat. Clearly the mall is a good place to start - I'd recommend heading to Macy's, but before you go, check out this website for a free $500 dollar gift card [there used to be a link to a funny picture here, but for whatever reason it stopped working, so just imagine a funny picture]. When you get there, don't be intimidated by the high-pressure salespeople - you're there to spend money, and none of those fuckers can do ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'm not entirely sure what Macy's sells, but see if that giant inflatable Snoopy is around, that's likely a high ticket item. If all else fails, get creative - even old standards can be combined for a more expensive and thus more heartfelt present. Buy a pricey tie and soak it with over-priced cologne. Get a flat-screen TV and throw a monogrammed Taylormade driver through it. But whatever you do, make sure it's totally useless and cost way too damn much.
If times are tight this year and you can't afford to splurge on the ones you love, then it doesn't really matter what you get him for Christmas since he'll probably disappointed in you anyways. Fuckin' get him ketchup packets, I don't care, and neither will he. Thanks for your letter and happy holidays!
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
What should I get my dad for Christmas?
Kisses,
Mikey
******************
Dear Mikey,
They say it's the thought that counts, but let's face it - come Christmas time, it's the "bought" that counts! (I CAME UP WITH THAT MYSELF!) Meaning, money counts, and your dad will be counting on you to bring him some Christmas cheer. So whatever bacon you bring home, it better be damned expensive, and teeming with gold-streaked fat. Clearly the mall is a good place to start - I'd recommend heading to Macy's, but before you go, check out this website for a free $500 dollar gift card [there used to be a link to a funny picture here, but for whatever reason it stopped working, so just imagine a funny picture]. When you get there, don't be intimidated by the high-pressure salespeople - you're there to spend money, and none of those fuckers can do ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'm not entirely sure what Macy's sells, but see if that giant inflatable Snoopy is around, that's likely a high ticket item. If all else fails, get creative - even old standards can be combined for a more expensive and thus more heartfelt present. Buy a pricey tie and soak it with over-priced cologne. Get a flat-screen TV and throw a monogrammed Taylormade driver through it. But whatever you do, make sure it's totally useless and cost way too damn much.
If times are tight this year and you can't afford to splurge on the ones you love, then it doesn't really matter what you get him for Christmas since he'll probably disappointed in you anyways. Fuckin' get him ketchup packets, I don't care, and neither will he. Thanks for your letter and happy holidays!
heart - dave
DGGBA: more so now then ever before
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. GDGMFGBA stands for give dave gulbis money for giving bad advice. DHYB = don't hold your breath. S = sigh.
Dearest Dave,
I frequently find my sunday afternoons spent alone with no music, friends or liquor. All the other days are so easy to fill, but where can I get my kind of happiness on a day commandeered by the lord?
Cordially Yours,
Kate "snap infraction" Dunphy
Ps. Who would win in a fight - Hall or Oates?
****************
Dear Kate "dance gauntlet" Dunphy,
I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED!
[topical reference to a show that is already over]
Of course, Sadie's Second Sunday is only really available one sunday out of the month, so here are some other suggestions for the other sundays in the month:
- Giving blood is important, more so now then ever before. Find out where your nearest donation center is at giveblood.com.
- MARSHMELLOW FIGHT!
- Your local homeless shelter is likely understaffed and under-funded. Volunteering is a great way to feel better about yourself and help make a difference in your community.
- TWINKIE FIGHT!!!!!!!!
- Our nation's elderly need our help as well. Inquire with your local, um, old person place and see if you can read to them. An hour can make someone's day.
- NAKED PILLOW FIGHT!!!!! WITH TWINKIES!!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!
Thanks for your letter, Kate, hope my advice helped fill your schedule with possibility.
heart - dave
p.s. - In the fight of mustache vs. no mustache, i tend to vote mustache. i'm not sure which of Hall & Oates has a mustache, but my money's on them, in the fourth round.
heart (again) - dave
Dearest Dave,
I frequently find my sunday afternoons spent alone with no music, friends or liquor. All the other days are so easy to fill, but where can I get my kind of happiness on a day commandeered by the lord?
Cordially Yours,
Kate "snap infraction" Dunphy
Ps. Who would win in a fight - Hall or Oates?
****************
Dear Kate "dance gauntlet" Dunphy,
I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED!
[topical reference to a show that is already over]
Of course, Sadie's Second Sunday is only really available one sunday out of the month, so here are some other suggestions for the other sundays in the month:
- Giving blood is important, more so now then ever before. Find out where your nearest donation center is at giveblood.com.
- MARSHMELLOW FIGHT!
- Your local homeless shelter is likely understaffed and under-funded. Volunteering is a great way to feel better about yourself and help make a difference in your community.
- TWINKIE FIGHT!!!!!!!!
- Our nation's elderly need our help as well. Inquire with your local, um, old person place and see if you can read to them. An hour can make someone's day.
- NAKED PILLOW FIGHT!!!!! WITH TWINKIES!!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!
Thanks for your letter, Kate, hope my advice helped fill your schedule with possibility.
heart - dave
p.s. - In the fight of mustache vs. no mustache, i tend to vote mustache. i'm not sure which of Hall & Oates has a mustache, but my money's on them, in the fourth round.
heart (again) - dave
Monday, December 3, 2007
DGGBA: un deux trois
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. According to this site, DGGBA is also the chord progression for the chorus to "Lucky in Love" by the Rolling Stones.
Dear Dave,
I've always wanted to write an advice column. Do you have any suggestions on how to get started?
Twitches,
Fanny
************
Hi Fanny,
Becoming an advice columnist is really as easy as ABC, 123, or un deux trois (but only if you're really fluent in French and counting to three comes really really easy to you).
un) Get the twitches under control. Sorry to be blunt but no one wants advice from a twitcher.
deux) make friends with a lot of needy people. or, if you're not one for making friends, BE a really needy person, and get one of those name dictionaries that people buy if they're having trouble naming their kids. (by the way, you might need one of those name dictionaries anyways in case someone asks for advice on naming their kids.)
trois) after establishing yourself as a voice of reason (see deux parts i-xii, not posted), find a struggling newspaper or magazine. "advise" the owner on how to improve business, and then after s/he follows your advice, buy as many copies of his/her paper as possible. They'll credit your great advice for the spike in sales, and be so grateful that they'll give you a column ON THE SPOT!
Hope this helps Fanny. Maybe someday you'll advise me on what to do after I've solved all the world's problems with my own column.
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
I've always wanted to write an advice column. Do you have any suggestions on how to get started?
Twitches,
Fanny
************
Hi Fanny,
Becoming an advice columnist is really as easy as ABC, 123, or un deux trois (but only if you're really fluent in French and counting to three comes really really easy to you).
un) Get the twitches under control. Sorry to be blunt but no one wants advice from a twitcher.
deux) make friends with a lot of needy people. or, if you're not one for making friends, BE a really needy person, and get one of those name dictionaries that people buy if they're having trouble naming their kids. (by the way, you might need one of those name dictionaries anyways in case someone asks for advice on naming their kids.)
trois) after establishing yourself as a voice of reason (see deux parts i-xii, not posted), find a struggling newspaper or magazine. "advise" the owner on how to improve business, and then after s/he follows your advice, buy as many copies of his/her paper as possible. They'll credit your great advice for the spike in sales, and be so grateful that they'll give you a column ON THE SPOT!
Hope this helps Fanny. Maybe someday you'll advise me on what to do after I've solved all the world's problems with my own column.
heart - dave
Friday, November 30, 2007
DGGBA: "answers"
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGTBA stands for dave gulbis takes bad advice, but is more commonly referred to as "last weekend."
Since these are both so short I'm doing two. Twofer Friday! Whoo!
Dear Dave,
I feel put upon by socialization. How does one go about becoming hermit?
Thanks
T
*************
Dear T,
Become an advice columnist.
heart - dave
**********************************
Dear Dave,
why is my rabbit eating cat nip and loving it? i need answers damnit.
T [a different T then above]
*************
Dear a different T then above,
Why be so quick to judge? Maybe you should follow after your open-minded, non-conformist rabbit and try some cat nip yourself. I imagine you'll get plenty of "answers," but I'd make sure and clear your weekend before hand. You don't want to show up at work high on the nip, or you might wind up with a regrettable nickname (like, oh, i don't know, "dave the guy who came into work high and spent 2 and a half hours trying to lick his own balls." just as an example) and have to change jobs and move to the city.
heart - dave
Since these are both so short I'm doing two. Twofer Friday! Whoo!
Dear Dave,
I feel put upon by socialization. How does one go about becoming hermit?
Thanks
T
*************
Dear T,
Become an advice columnist.
heart - dave
**********************************
Dear Dave,
why is my rabbit eating cat nip and loving it? i need answers damnit.
T [a different T then above]
*************
Dear a different T then above,
Why be so quick to judge? Maybe you should follow after your open-minded, non-conformist rabbit and try some cat nip yourself. I imagine you'll get plenty of "answers," but I'd make sure and clear your weekend before hand. You don't want to show up at work high on the nip, or you might wind up with a regrettable nickname (like, oh, i don't know, "dave the guy who came into work high and spent 2 and a half hours trying to lick his own balls." just as an example) and have to change jobs and move to the city.
heart - dave
Thursday, November 29, 2007
DGGBA: egg, fig, dig, dog
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA also proves that it's not always better to give than receive, you lucky bastards, you!
Dear Dave or something,
Should I punch the mall Santa? He's very loud.
Sincerely,
Valerie A. Lines
***************
Dear Valerie A. Lines,
Did you know that your initials spell your name? V.A.L.? Wow, holy crap. That's really cool. Did you parents plan that? That would be really funny. My last name is Gulbis, I wonder if you could do that with my name. What names end with G? Hmm. Doug? Oh wait, that's 4 letters. I guess I could be Dug. Like Dug Ulysses Gulbis. But who wants to be named Dug, sounds like a caveman name, Dug and Ug and Gob. Wait, Gob! Oh, oops, that starts with G. Leg, peg, hag, egg, fig, dig, dog, fog, gag, cig, wag, rag, tag, oog, pog, sag, dag, fag, jag, keg, leg, mag, bog, hog...
If mall santa is being anywhere as annoying as the above paragraph, you should definitely punch him. Thanks for the letter!
heart - dave
Dear Dave or something,
Should I punch the mall Santa? He's very loud.
Sincerely,
Valerie A. Lines
***************
Dear Valerie A. Lines,
Did you know that your initials spell your name? V.A.L.? Wow, holy crap. That's really cool. Did you parents plan that? That would be really funny. My last name is Gulbis, I wonder if you could do that with my name. What names end with G? Hmm. Doug? Oh wait, that's 4 letters. I guess I could be Dug. Like Dug Ulysses Gulbis. But who wants to be named Dug, sounds like a caveman name, Dug and Ug and Gob. Wait, Gob! Oh, oops, that starts with G. Leg, peg, hag, egg, fig, dig, dog, fog, gag, cig, wag, rag, tag, oog, pog, sag, dag, fag, jag, keg, leg, mag, bog, hog...
If mall santa is being anywhere as annoying as the above paragraph, you should definitely punch him. Thanks for the letter!
heart - dave
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
DGGBA: fucking by a lake
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis gives out a lot of things, but in this particular blog, he'll only be giving out bad advice.
dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused
***********
dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.
heart - dave
dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused
***********
dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.
heart - dave
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
DGGBA: either going or not going
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it might also be a constellation, i'm not sure.
dear dave,
how do i be a success?
sincerly hillary
**************
dear hillary,
to be a success you have to first decide in which way you'd like to be successful. i recommend starting small, like "i want to be good at tying my shoes" or "i want to be a successful advice columnist." next, you have to do research in the field. your local library probably has a variety of books on how to research. of course, before you head to the library, you should probably set a goal for yourself that involves being successful with the dewey decimal system. that might be a goal you'll just have to throw yourself into though, as, having never been to a library myself, i really can't help you on that one.
um, thirdly, after you accomplish your goals of being successful with the dewey decimal system and researching on ways to properly research, you should probably head to the park for some well deserved R and R (those stand for rest and relaxation, respectively). successful people are happy people, so you should make sure that you are happy too - unless of course you are looking to be successful at being unhappy, in which case, skip the park.
ok then, after either going or not going to the park, you are ready for action! it's time to get yourself out there, and show the world what you can do! when they see you out there, success is sure to follow, somehow! glad i could help, and don't forget us little people when you're out there being successful!
heart - dave
dear dave,
how do i be a success?
sincerly hillary
**************
dear hillary,
to be a success you have to first decide in which way you'd like to be successful. i recommend starting small, like "i want to be good at tying my shoes" or "i want to be a successful advice columnist." next, you have to do research in the field. your local library probably has a variety of books on how to research. of course, before you head to the library, you should probably set a goal for yourself that involves being successful with the dewey decimal system. that might be a goal you'll just have to throw yourself into though, as, having never been to a library myself, i really can't help you on that one.
um, thirdly, after you accomplish your goals of being successful with the dewey decimal system and researching on ways to properly research, you should probably head to the park for some well deserved R and R (those stand for rest and relaxation, respectively). successful people are happy people, so you should make sure that you are happy too - unless of course you are looking to be successful at being unhappy, in which case, skip the park.
ok then, after either going or not going to the park, you are ready for action! it's time to get yourself out there, and show the world what you can do! when they see you out there, success is sure to follow, somehow! glad i could help, and don't forget us little people when you're out there being successful!
heart - dave
Monday, November 26, 2007
DGGBA: kick the ball, and hard
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it can also stand for dave gulbis gives bad acronyms.
dear dave,
will you be my life coach?
-connor "amateur life coach" morrison
**************
dear connor -
life is not a game, but kickball is a game, and one that i enjoy playing. so while i can't be your life coach, i can be your kickball coach, and here's your first lesson:
- never underestimate the importance of a good stretch before a game. i recommend taking care to exercise the groin region of your body because in addition to all of the strenuous kicking and running involved in the sport kickball, there are also occassions (albeit rare) where you actually will be kicked in the balls. a loose and limber groin can help avoid serious injury.
- while there are many differing opinions on this matter, and i'm sure i'll receive plenty of letters from various kickball "experts" correcting me, i subscribe to the school of "kick the ball hard" - meaning, don't kick the ball softly, or miss the ball altogether. kick the ball, and hard.
- like most games, kickball is best enjoyed while under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. (note: if life were actually a game, i would give this same tip as well)
thanks for your letter, connor, and happy kicking.
heart - dave
dear dave,
will you be my life coach?
-connor "amateur life coach" morrison
**************
dear connor -
life is not a game, but kickball is a game, and one that i enjoy playing. so while i can't be your life coach, i can be your kickball coach, and here's your first lesson:
- never underestimate the importance of a good stretch before a game. i recommend taking care to exercise the groin region of your body because in addition to all of the strenuous kicking and running involved in the sport kickball, there are also occassions (albeit rare) where you actually will be kicked in the balls. a loose and limber groin can help avoid serious injury.
- while there are many differing opinions on this matter, and i'm sure i'll receive plenty of letters from various kickball "experts" correcting me, i subscribe to the school of "kick the ball hard" - meaning, don't kick the ball softly, or miss the ball altogether. kick the ball, and hard.
- like most games, kickball is best enjoyed while under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. (note: if life were actually a game, i would give this same tip as well)
thanks for your letter, connor, and happy kicking.
heart - dave
Sunday, November 25, 2007
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