DGGBA: sex, with whoever

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA is also the sound people make after finding out the milk's gone bad.

hey dave,
how do i become sexy like you? please tell me. i need to be sexy for someone.
hearts and kisses,
lolita
**************
dear lolita,
thanks for the hearts and kisses, but i'm afraid i must start off this letter by immediately correcting you. you don't need to be sexy for SOMEONE, you need to be sexy for everyone. there's enough uglies strolling around today you'd think they changed the name of the country to the united states of ameri-bleh! (note: my bad puns are in fact for sale, please inquire for a rate chart). think of your self as a sexy environmentalist, fighting the ugly polluters to save the future of the sexy planet. or, better yet, think of yourself as a sexy librarian. yeah...books...
but how do i BECOME sexy, you may be asking yourself? ...or i guess actually you actually did ask that. sorry, i got distracted by the united states of ameri-bleh bit (so funny!). well, there's a phrase that's popular amongst the kids (and, believe it or not, therapists) today: "fake it til you make it." sexy is an attitude, and it really doesn't matter if you're ugly as sin's morning BM, because if you feel it (and i do mean FEEL it), no one else will argue. here's some practical tips to help change your attitude:

1. constant reminders will help make sure you don't fall off the sexy trail. leave little notes for yourself around your apartment that say things like "man, you're sexy" or "whoa, sexy thing, coming through!" or do as i do, and wear some of those booty shorts or halter tops that say hot stuff (or both).

2. nothing is sexier than having sex - it's the reason sexy starts with "sex." so have a lot of sex, with whoever.

3. some people think a positive attitude is sexy, or a can-do spirit, or a degree in social work or microbiology. these people are wrong - but the point is, people think all sort of weird, stupid shit is sexy. so don't worry about your gross pimples, open sores, or missing fingers - like dolly parton said, "if you can't hide it, flaunt it!"

hope my advice helped lolita. enjoy your new sexy life, and if we ever meet, please remember helpful tip number 2. Thanks for your letter.

heart - dave