DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. thank you for helping make this blog [well, technically the myspace blog this started on] the number one result for a google search of DGGBA (if you did in fact have anything to do with that). apparently DGGBA also exists in other languages too. who knew?
Dear DGGBA,
I'm moving across the country and the advice my father gave me was to "burn bridges and fuck bitches." This sounds like either the best or worst advice a father has given his son. Opinion?
sweet love and stank kisses,
dan
P.S. Fuck you. Your place or mine?
***********
dear dan,
Opinion? You bet! I think your father needs to stop using the b-word (b-word being "bitches"). "Bitches" have feelings too, and I'm sure your dad would be offended if i started referring to him as a "shit-eating leg humper with a dick that looks like melted lipstick."
That said, i think he's right. fuck 'em all and let god sort it out.
heart - dave
p.s. - mine. obviously. you live across the country.
heart (again) - dave
Monday, January 21, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
DGGBA: these are hard
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis also makes shelves that may or may not be earthquake safe. inquire for rates.
Two more short ones for you. Ha! That's what she said!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THURSDAY
Dear Dave,
Why am I such a crackhead-ho?
Sincerely,
Dave's mom
**************
Dear Dave's mom,
These are hard times we live in. I say do what makes you happy, and if being a crackhead-ho makes you happy, then pass the rock, little lady. Pass the rock.
***************
dearest dave,
did you know that Nerds Rope (the candy) rules? if not you better fucking find out.
<34eva (gross)
T
**********
Dear T,
Of course I knew - I know everything, no duh! And bee tea dubs, Dave Gulbis gives bad advice - he doesn't receive unsolicited candy recommendations. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Two more short ones for you. Ha! That's what she said!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT THURSDAY
Dear Dave,
Why am I such a crackhead-ho?
Sincerely,
Dave's mom
**************
Dear Dave's mom,
These are hard times we live in. I say do what makes you happy, and if being a crackhead-ho makes you happy, then pass the rock, little lady. Pass the rock.
***************
dearest dave,
did you know that Nerds Rope (the candy) rules? if not you better fucking find out.
<34eva (gross)
T
**********
Dear T,
Of course I knew - I know everything, no duh! And bee tea dubs, Dave Gulbis gives bad advice - he doesn't receive unsolicited candy recommendations. Thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Friday, January 11, 2008
DGGBA: 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA turns 20 (entries) today, which means that i, dave gulbis, have saved 20 MOTHERFUCKING LIVES. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TODAY? HUH? EAT CEREAL? i hope you enjoyed that cereal while I WAS SAVING LIVES!
Dear Dave,
Sometimes I can't stop. What do I do?
Nebulous
*****************
Dear Nebulous,
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! it's really annoying!
heart - dave
Dear Dave,
Sometimes I can't stop. What do I do?
Nebulous
*****************
Dear Nebulous,
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! it's really annoying!
heart - dave
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
DGGBA: that many i’s
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. If DGGBA were a tree, it would be a tree that gave bad advice.
dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
******************
dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
dave,
ive been wrackin the old noggin lately about what to do with my life. the old 'strangling-bums-under-a-bridge-and-selling-their-syphilitic-
organs' just isn't paying like it used to. any ideas?
fucking your cousin too, ryan
******************
dear ryan,
i don't know what syphilitic means, so my first piece of advice to you would to be to either find a way to make money for using big words (maybe by making people pay to learn what they mean?) or to not use such big words. How is syphilitic even pronounced? No word should have that many i's. (also, i think rackin is spelled without a w, but i'm not positive. google it)
hey, MARCH YOUR BUTT BACK IN HERE YOUNG MAN!!!! because i have more advice for you! Finding out what you want to do with your life is a long process, full of much soul-searching and many spiritual trials and tribulations. but let's face it, in this modern age, who has time for all of that? so my SECOND PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU (YOU LUCKY BASTARD!) would be to find a way for someone to pay you to figure out what it is you want to do with your life. that way, when you're sitting around asking yourself deep questions like "who am i" or "where am i going," you'll technically be on the clock so the old lady won't be able to give you a hard time about taking your shoes off the couch or whatever it is women complain about nowadays (can't live with 'em, am i right?). plus, no one can actually trace your thoughts (yet) so you could be sitting around thinking "when is the new american gladiators on again" or "man it is so awesome having my dirty feet on the brand new couch i brought home with all the money i make finding myself" and no one would even know!
they say "crime pays," but that's only because they used to say "crime doesn't pay" and then they started to say the opposite because irony was really big around the time they first started saying "crime doesn't pay." so, i mean, why can't it be "sitting around on your ass doing nothing pays?" think about it. thanks for your letter.
heart - dave
Thursday, January 3, 2008
DGGBA: what-the-fuck-ever
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, not dave gulbis gives bedazzling advice. Like the manual says, THE BEDAZZLER IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ADVICE GIVING.
this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a
THREEFER CHRISTMAS
dear dave,
1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?
2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?
3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.
boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.
2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.
3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.
heart - dave
this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a
THREEFER CHRISTMAS
dear dave,
1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?
2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?
3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.
boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.
2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.
3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.
heart - dave
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