DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGTBA stands for dave gulbis takes bad advice, but is more commonly referred to as "last weekend."
Since these are both so short I'm doing two. Twofer Friday! Whoo!
Dear Dave,
I feel put upon by socialization. How does one go about becoming hermit?
Thanks
T
*************
Dear T,
Become an advice columnist.
heart - dave
**********************************
Dear Dave,
why is my rabbit eating cat nip and loving it? i need answers damnit.
T [a different T then above]
*************
Dear a different T then above,
Why be so quick to judge? Maybe you should follow after your open-minded, non-conformist rabbit and try some cat nip yourself. I imagine you'll get plenty of "answers," but I'd make sure and clear your weekend before hand. You don't want to show up at work high on the nip, or you might wind up with a regrettable nickname (like, oh, i don't know, "dave the guy who came into work high and spent 2 and a half hours trying to lick his own balls." just as an example) and have to change jobs and move to the city.
heart - dave
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
DGGBA: egg, fig, dig, dog
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. DGGBA also proves that it's not always better to give than receive, you lucky bastards, you!
Dear Dave or something,
Should I punch the mall Santa? He's very loud.
Sincerely,
Valerie A. Lines
***************
Dear Valerie A. Lines,
Did you know that your initials spell your name? V.A.L.? Wow, holy crap. That's really cool. Did you parents plan that? That would be really funny. My last name is Gulbis, I wonder if you could do that with my name. What names end with G? Hmm. Doug? Oh wait, that's 4 letters. I guess I could be Dug. Like Dug Ulysses Gulbis. But who wants to be named Dug, sounds like a caveman name, Dug and Ug and Gob. Wait, Gob! Oh, oops, that starts with G. Leg, peg, hag, egg, fig, dig, dog, fog, gag, cig, wag, rag, tag, oog, pog, sag, dag, fag, jag, keg, leg, mag, bog, hog...
If mall santa is being anywhere as annoying as the above paragraph, you should definitely punch him. Thanks for the letter!
heart - dave
Dear Dave or something,
Should I punch the mall Santa? He's very loud.
Sincerely,
Valerie A. Lines
***************
Dear Valerie A. Lines,
Did you know that your initials spell your name? V.A.L.? Wow, holy crap. That's really cool. Did you parents plan that? That would be really funny. My last name is Gulbis, I wonder if you could do that with my name. What names end with G? Hmm. Doug? Oh wait, that's 4 letters. I guess I could be Dug. Like Dug Ulysses Gulbis. But who wants to be named Dug, sounds like a caveman name, Dug and Ug and Gob. Wait, Gob! Oh, oops, that starts with G. Leg, peg, hag, egg, fig, dig, dog, fog, gag, cig, wag, rag, tag, oog, pog, sag, dag, fag, jag, keg, leg, mag, bog, hog...
If mall santa is being anywhere as annoying as the above paragraph, you should definitely punch him. Thanks for the letter!
heart - dave
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
DGGBA: fucking by a lake
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis gives out a lot of things, but in this particular blog, he'll only be giving out bad advice.
dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused
***********
dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.
heart - dave
dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused
***********
dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.
heart - dave
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
DGGBA: either going or not going
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it might also be a constellation, i'm not sure.
dear dave,
how do i be a success?
sincerly hillary
**************
dear hillary,
to be a success you have to first decide in which way you'd like to be successful. i recommend starting small, like "i want to be good at tying my shoes" or "i want to be a successful advice columnist." next, you have to do research in the field. your local library probably has a variety of books on how to research. of course, before you head to the library, you should probably set a goal for yourself that involves being successful with the dewey decimal system. that might be a goal you'll just have to throw yourself into though, as, having never been to a library myself, i really can't help you on that one.
um, thirdly, after you accomplish your goals of being successful with the dewey decimal system and researching on ways to properly research, you should probably head to the park for some well deserved R and R (those stand for rest and relaxation, respectively). successful people are happy people, so you should make sure that you are happy too - unless of course you are looking to be successful at being unhappy, in which case, skip the park.
ok then, after either going or not going to the park, you are ready for action! it's time to get yourself out there, and show the world what you can do! when they see you out there, success is sure to follow, somehow! glad i could help, and don't forget us little people when you're out there being successful!
heart - dave
dear dave,
how do i be a success?
sincerly hillary
**************
dear hillary,
to be a success you have to first decide in which way you'd like to be successful. i recommend starting small, like "i want to be good at tying my shoes" or "i want to be a successful advice columnist." next, you have to do research in the field. your local library probably has a variety of books on how to research. of course, before you head to the library, you should probably set a goal for yourself that involves being successful with the dewey decimal system. that might be a goal you'll just have to throw yourself into though, as, having never been to a library myself, i really can't help you on that one.
um, thirdly, after you accomplish your goals of being successful with the dewey decimal system and researching on ways to properly research, you should probably head to the park for some well deserved R and R (those stand for rest and relaxation, respectively). successful people are happy people, so you should make sure that you are happy too - unless of course you are looking to be successful at being unhappy, in which case, skip the park.
ok then, after either going or not going to the park, you are ready for action! it's time to get yourself out there, and show the world what you can do! when they see you out there, success is sure to follow, somehow! glad i could help, and don't forget us little people when you're out there being successful!
heart - dave
Monday, November 26, 2007
DGGBA: kick the ball, and hard
DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. it can also stand for dave gulbis gives bad acronyms.
dear dave,
will you be my life coach?
-connor "amateur life coach" morrison
**************
dear connor -
life is not a game, but kickball is a game, and one that i enjoy playing. so while i can't be your life coach, i can be your kickball coach, and here's your first lesson:
- never underestimate the importance of a good stretch before a game. i recommend taking care to exercise the groin region of your body because in addition to all of the strenuous kicking and running involved in the sport kickball, there are also occassions (albeit rare) where you actually will be kicked in the balls. a loose and limber groin can help avoid serious injury.
- while there are many differing opinions on this matter, and i'm sure i'll receive plenty of letters from various kickball "experts" correcting me, i subscribe to the school of "kick the ball hard" - meaning, don't kick the ball softly, or miss the ball altogether. kick the ball, and hard.
- like most games, kickball is best enjoyed while under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. (note: if life were actually a game, i would give this same tip as well)
thanks for your letter, connor, and happy kicking.
heart - dave
dear dave,
will you be my life coach?
-connor "amateur life coach" morrison
**************
dear connor -
life is not a game, but kickball is a game, and one that i enjoy playing. so while i can't be your life coach, i can be your kickball coach, and here's your first lesson:
- never underestimate the importance of a good stretch before a game. i recommend taking care to exercise the groin region of your body because in addition to all of the strenuous kicking and running involved in the sport kickball, there are also occassions (albeit rare) where you actually will be kicked in the balls. a loose and limber groin can help avoid serious injury.
- while there are many differing opinions on this matter, and i'm sure i'll receive plenty of letters from various kickball "experts" correcting me, i subscribe to the school of "kick the ball hard" - meaning, don't kick the ball softly, or miss the ball altogether. kick the ball, and hard.
- like most games, kickball is best enjoyed while under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. (note: if life were actually a game, i would give this same tip as well)
thanks for your letter, connor, and happy kicking.
heart - dave
Sunday, November 25, 2007
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