DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. dave gulbis gives out a lot of things, but in this particular blog, he'll only be giving out bad advice.
dear dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate with my heterosexual penis, I think of you instead of girls. Is there something wrong with me?
Signed,
Confused
***********
dear confused (if that is your real name),
in masturbating, it really all depends on context. in what context do you think of me? are we exercising? are we kissing? are we...naked? am i preparing your morning breakfast in my dingy cotton robe, when you trail your arms along its worn threads to take the coffee pot out of my hands and roughly point my head towards the ceiling so you can sink your teeth and tounge into my peach, quivering neck as i moan with part-pain-part-pleasure? or are we tucked away in a dungeon somewhere in the mission (maybe the one in the alley on lexington? maybe THE alley on lexington?) and is the sound the leather strap that holds my vibrating 7 1/2" Nimbus firmly against my chin turning you on as it snaps your ass-less chaps back and forth with each chin thrust? or maybe we're fucking by a lake, and you've prepared a wonderful picnic for us and you hand feed me strawberrys and chocolate truffles before we roll naked in the grass, necking like teenagers on prom. are there children watching us? animals? grandparents? are we on a stage? do i have breasts? how do my breasts look? do they look hot? i was a swimmer you know, i'm in good shape and i would have really nice breasts that would feel really good pressing against the hairs on your chest as i sat on your lap, turning my hips back and forth as i slid up and down your body. just saying, they'd be hot.
anyways, it's all about context, so make sure i look sexy and i think you'll be fine. thanks for your letter, and thanks for thinking about me while you touch your heterosexual penis.
heart - dave
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