DGGBA: what-the-fuck-ever

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice, not dave gulbis gives bedazzling advice. Like the manual says, THE BEDAZZLER IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ADVICE GIVING.

this is a special christmas time DGGBA. and i guess technically it's a

THREEFER CHRISTMAS

dear dave,

1) Is it more important to be toned or strong? To you? To the ladies? To the fellas?

2) At what point in a relationship can you start to tell gay jokes without it seeming like, you know, you hate gay people?

3) I totally just found this mountain of a pimple on my forehead and the prom is in like, three hours. What do I do? How do I get it to not stick out like Christmas displays all over America? How can I get this pimple to be more like a French Christmas display. You know, sorta timeless. Something to cherish and accentuate the land on which it rests? God, I will die if this doesn't go well. Prom will be with me for the rest of my life. Forever. I will live to be very old so you had better make this advice good David. I have a vague idea of where you live. Hahahaha. Ha. haha. Just kidding.

boner,
mike
******************
dear mike,
1) Ah, Christmas time. The sun, the surf, and uh oh - the swimsuits! After hiding underneath a mountain of blankets all summer long, you may find yourself amongst the number of Americans who are realizing their body did not brave the frigid cold as well as their Christmas tree did! (or menorah, what-the-fuck-ever)
If you're Speedo is looking like a Speedon't (i stole that one from newsradio),
you're probably asking the same question as mike - should i suck in my gut and look toned, or should i practice smashing beer cans with it to look strong? My advice would be to skip it altogether; come Christmas time (and really all year around), so long as you give good handjobs you'll be looking just fine, to the ladies and the fellas alike.

2) Ah, Christmas time. The time when young lovers trade their parkas for sun dresses (or cargo shorts if you're a d-bag) and skip through the glistening green grass with their new flames. But like any new fire, it's possible to get too close, and to get burned. And since there's no instruction manual for love (and no mention of gay jokes in the fireman's handbook), it's hard to know when the time is to safely cross that line from friend-zone to gay-joke-and-hot-sex-zone.
Well, while it's impossible to put an exact time on when gay jokes are okay, I'd recommend sticking with the one month rule. If one month is too long to wait, then volunteer at your local Gay Outreach Center so you have a back-up plan if they get offended. Or BE GAY, and then you can tell gay jokes whenever you want.

3) Ah, Christmas time. It's great.
Pop the pimple, put a bitchin' neon band-aid over the scar, quit being a baby, come over to my house later.

heart - dave