DGGBA: half cherry half cola

DGGBA stands for dave gulbis gives bad advice. when the hell is dave gulbis going to start getting stuff? it's give give give with you people....

Dear Dave,

so i have this sister best friend who i love more than anything in the world. we live in different towns but she comes to visit often which is awesome except that when we are together we have the tendency to eat with reckless abandon. we become goldfish who have no concept of fullness and will eat anything put in front of them. after the weekend my sister leaves to go home but the extra pounds stay. I love my sister and love her visits but i also love not worrying about clogged arteries and touching my toes. what is a sister best friend to do?

love and tender kisses,
sierra

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dear sierra,

wow, i didn't actually know that about goldfish, that's crazy. isn't it the same way with dogs? like, dogs will never stop eating if there's food available. I heard about this one thing, in humans, where because of some chromosome defect, certain humans have no control over their impulses - they'll see a hot dog and without even thinking about the fact that they're completely full they'll say to themselves, "wow, hot dog, imma eat it" and eat it and then throw up later because they ate 17 hot dogs before the hot dog vendor cut them off (this is totally true, there's actually a number of armed robbery cases where the defense will plead insanity because their client has this disorder and they'll be walking down the block, see a 7-11, and think "wow 7-11, imma rob it" without even considering it beforehand and they get arrested because they stopped in the middle of the robbery because they saw the slushee machine and thought "wow slushee, imma get half cherry half cola," and because they couldn't stop drinking the slushee they got a mean brainfreeze which, wow, i don't know if you've ever had a real mean brainfreeze but it is no fun at all.)

anyhoo, goldfish look pretty fit to me, so i think you and your sister should head over to the pool after filling yourself up on grub (wait 30 minutes! you don't want to get a cramp!) and swim around in circles until you forget why you were swimming in the first place (goldfish also have no memory - SEE HOW SMART I AM????). might help to get a gold jump suit and maybe a plastic castle too...couldn't hurt, right? thanks for your letter!

holy shit i just noticed that my acronym for dave gulbis is famous is DGIS, what the fuck was i thinking? maybe dave gulbis is swedish?

heart - dave